#3. There Is No Butt-Flashing Wedding Trend, Sorry
Unlike Trix, fake Internet trends aren't just for kids anymore, and we mean that in every possible sense. Again, we totally get why a respectable news site would find it hard to pass up the opportunity to get some easy clicks through the promise of ass shots, but this is getting out of hand:
"Disgusting! (Seriously, Photos Inside)"
Good God! What kind of website would stoop to such low-slung levels of assploitation?
Anyway, here are some of the pics:
Shout-out to the guy in the lower left going "Ohhh, canapes."
All of what you see above was featured in various slideshows about this alarming phenomenon on sites like SF Globe, Jezebel, CBS, Elite Daily, the Stir, Metro, and Inquisitr. It's just too bad that those scenarios are not part of a new trend, but a collection of photographs that are at least a few years old. No, really -- doing a thing we like to call a "Google image search," we verified that the photos come from an assortment of dubious websites from as far back as 2009 (NSFW), including one for a motion picture titled Ass Galore (triple NSFW).
So basically the headline "Hot New Trend Where Bridesmaids Show Their Butts" roughly translates to "We made our intern collect assplay photos for an afternoon!" We're guessing it was an intern, because they didn't even bother to hide the fact that these are old photographs:
Good to see our horny uncle who sends inappropriate email forwards got a job.
#2. A Guy Dressed as a Stormtrooper Didn't Cause a Town in Kansas to Panic
Considering that Stormtroopers are the Free Bird of cosplay, and that they're not even that effective at being menacing in the movies to begin with, it's pretty unimaginable that anyone would feel fear at the sight of one Harlem Shaking around in plastic Imperial armor. Now imagine that unimaginable person multiplied by an entire town:
"The town of Alderaan, Kansas, has nothing to worry about," said Governor P. Alpatine.
Did they think the actual Empire was taking over right then and there? Was anyone seriously worried they were going to receive a laser blast several feet over their head? And just how big of a lockdown panic are we talking about? We have so many naive questions! From the original article:
Kansans aren't used to people carrying guns in the open, you see.
Oh. OK, so it wasn't so much a "terrifying" "lockdown" as much as it was one business locking their doors, but only after being told to by the police. And this was after the business casually called them out of protocol. But yeah, MTV, Uproxx, Free Beacon, and Screencrush, it does sound like the entire town shat their pants over a lone nerd who, as it turns out, was just recording a Vine video.
Then again, maybe there is something about Star Wars that makes people go into bullshit hyperdrive ...
#1. Don't Believe Anything You Hear About the New Star Wars
Let's say you write for an entertainment news website and you come across a juicy-sounding story that obviously has no basis in reality. How do you betray the core of your profession and get that shit on a front page anyway? Easy: Just stamp the word "rumor" on the front and top it off with a distancing question mark, and now you have carte blanche to spread whatever bullshit you want!
This process, while so common it's hardly worth noting anymore, has gone into mutagen-enhanced mode at the mention of the newest Star Wars trilogy:
Uh-oh, bet someone got fired over that missing question mark.
Sure, the "rumor" in question is word-of-mouth from a small-potatoes blog called Jedi News and is being actively contested by Lucasfilm itself -- but it's far better to teach the controversy than simply wait until you have all the facts, which is probably why the story of Star Wars' delay is being reported by the likes of IGN, Uproxx, Indiewire, and Total Film.
Is there any way we can take this ball and run with it, preferably into one of those sand vaginas that ate Boba Fett?
All these air quotes are making it seem like someone's getting his lightsaber polished.
There we go! At this rate, we can expect to see Harrison Ford's replacement doing the Kessel Run by actually running. If you're wondering how Tom Cruise got into this mess, he did that by simply having dinner with J.J. Abrams in London -- because there's no other reason Cruise would be hanging out with the director of Mission: Impossible 3 and producer of 4 and 5.
Finally, we're just going to knock out the news that Carrie Fisher's daughter is playing a young Leia on account of that story coming from an unholy combination of Latino Review (the Daily Mail of movie news) and the actual Daily Mail. We think that about covers it, but to be sure, you might want to burn your computer the next time you see a headline with Harrison Ford's name in it. Or, if you so desire, just burn your computer either way and pick up a real newspaper.