#3. Coolio Isn't Releasing His Next Album Through a Porn Site
Look, no one enjoys bringing up Coolio, not even Coolio, but our digital hands were forced on this one:
Yes, we meant "bringing up" in that sense.
Sheesh, as if the news wasn't depressing enough lately. The story, first reported by TMZ, made it all the way to the Guardian through sites like Gizmodo, Complex, and AV Club reporting on the Batman & Robin star's glorious return, understandably sandwiched with tits like some kind of terrible medicine mixed with syrup to make you swallow it. The entire concept of a PornHub album seems ill-advised to everyone -- Coolio included, who, as it turns out, is simply shooting a commercial for the porn company, as one does, and not releasing all his future music through them. As he told Rolling Stone, "If I want to see porn, I'll put a mirror next to my bed."
Quick! Look at this before that mental picture takes hold!
Shockingly enough, when you trust a sleazy website filled with human misery that is packed butthole to eyebrows with legal problems (we mean TMZ, not PornHub), it sometimes backfires on you. Seriously, how dare they bring down the name of an American institution that has brought so many hours of joy to so many people? (Now we do mean PornHub.)
#2. Justin Bieber Didn't Fake Being in a Wheelchair to Cut in Line at Disney
There are already plenty of reasons to hate Justin Bieber: he's famous, and has money, and makes music (sorry, forgot the sarcastic quotation marks) that teenagers enjoy, and so on. A true motherfucker. Well, here's a new one:
Yes, apparently the Jibs (as his fans call him) read our old article about the wheelchair black market at Disney and decided to get himself some of that action, according to Daily Caller, the Wire, and Inquisitr. However, this story proves less what a cat anus Bie-stin (as his fans call him) is and more about how willing we are to accept that fact in the face of impossibility: Specifically, the impossibility that DJ-JB (as his fans calls him), being the fame-cancer that he is, would even need to cut in line. Hell, he could get half the kids in Disney to form a pyramid for him if he wanted to.
The real headline here is "Teen Star Photographed in Wheelchair at Disney, TMZ Intern Forced to Come Up With Story" -- although even the originally cited article at TMZ points out the fact that B.I.E.B.ertron-2000 isn't actually cutting in line, and has injured his leg playing basketball. But shucks, that kind of information would require reading past the first paragraph, so it's "fuck the Biebs" all around.
Granted, we're not entirely sure if this thing is in English.
#1. A Dude Didn't Book Seats on Both Malaysia Flights and Change His Mind
With every unthinkable tragedy comes a series of what we think are unthinkable results, such as tasteless ads, horrendous celebrity jokes, and of course the butt-clenching "near miss" story. This was no different for the fallen Malaysian flights this year, courtesy of Fox, Parade, National Post, ABC News, Huffington Post, and freaking everyone else:
Fortunately, his Final Destination curses canceled each other out.
There's just one thing. Notice how the headlines can't decide if he actually booked a flight? That's because this Dutch biker has gone silent about the whole thing since the story first ran, the only evidence that it happened at all coming from his blog and a single account given to a local station. But, as the good people of Slate have pointed out, nowhere in the harrowing tale does he even so much as mention that he had booked a seat on the lost MH17, just that he was considering flying on that day. As for the other near miss: He was flying in the general direction of the missing plane, so, you know, that counts as "booking a flight" too, right? Never mind the fact that boarding MH370 would have required a 1,500-mile detour.
While we're at it: You know the story about the 100 "top AIDS researchers" who died in the second plane? That actual number, according to the same enlightening Slate article, is more like six. Despite that, this story was shared so widely that even this guy repeated it:
So congratulations, bullshit news! You made it! You rule the world now!