From extinct gingers to mouth-pissing Aussie hooligans, the Internet is like an exuberantly complex Willy Wonka-style factory of lies -- river of brown included. Our job, not unlike the Oompa Loompas', is to drop that mic after laying out the harsh truths and popping the humanoid blueberry of media hyperbole. Which is our fancy way of saying: Hey, here's the fake news you fell for this week.
#6. Smartphones Aren't Making Restaurant Service Slower
Those gosh darn millennials with their car mustaches and dang wine cozies, all tanning off their ever-present smartphones instead of socially interacting with each other -- they are just the worst. And sure, while this has literally been said about every new generation since the dawn of media, it looks like we've finally found that smoking gun:
So close this article and fucking finish that meal.
Eat that, millennials ... only you can't, because you're all too busy taking pictures of it. That's what a study carried out by the owner of a "popular restaurant" in NYC found out when he supposedly compared tapes from 2004 and 2014: Ten years ago, everyone enjoyed their meal, talked to each other, and generally looked like better, more spiritually fulfilled people (you remember 2004, right?), while now it's all Instagrams, selfies, and feasting on the rotting carcass of common sense and good values.
Just ask the anonymous Craigslist post that all of these stories are citing:
Yep, that's seriously the only "proof" that Washington Post, Consumerist, Gothamist, and NY Daily News needed to blast the "idiot smartphone generation": a completely unsourced and anonymous "study" posted on the sketchiest site of all mankind blaming poor service on the customers -- despite Slate rounding up a healthy handful of actual New York restaurant owners saying the complete opposite of this. In fact, some of them even like getting photos of their dishes plastered on social media for free. But what do they know? If it's not a faceless block of hyperbolic text blaming the new generation for every problem on a user submission webpage, then it's not worth knowing.
#5. What? No, Smelling Farts Doesn't Cure Cancer
We're pretty certain that if the entire Internet took one of those "Which Back to the Future Character Are You?" personality quizzes, it would get a tie between Biff Tannen and the open pile of manure that Biff Tannen perpetually face-plants into. Here's our evidence:
No one went for "Silent, But Healthy"?
Looks like all the men reading this have been secretly rescuing their wives with those late night blanket bombs, are we right, fellas? Don't answer that. For one, it's a little sexist (women can lay stink bombs, too), but also, we're totally not right. Neither are Yahoo, Huffington Post, UPI, and Gawker -- all of which are citing a study published by the Medicinal Chemistry Communications journal, who actually went out of their way to stress that the test of applying hydrogen sulfide directly to cancer cells under lab conditions is literally nothing like syphoning ass vapor directly into your lungs. So Jezebel, for instance, apparently saw this:
And turned it into this:
No. Literally. No.
In fact, one of the professors involved even stressed that it would be a scientific loss if the only thing the media got out of this was some fart-related headlines ... to which the media glazed over like a Dumb & Dumber bit before jumping up and down and making farting sounds into their elbows. We get it, guys. Farts are hilarious. But slightly less so when they're, y'know, setting back human progress.
#4. The "Accidental Text" Wedding Photo Is From a Rap Video
With every year that passes, our news organizations become more indistinguishable from Cheezburger.com. For example, a couple of weeks ago, this adorable viral photo ...
There wasn't a dry eye in the house during the couple's first twerk.
... inspired a whole bunch of news sites to dust off one of the deadliest weapons in modern journalism: the hashtag-using headline.
The entire elaborate story -- passed on by Fox, People, the Daily Mail, and your Facebook news feed -- comes entirely from a stranger's Instagram picture, which coincidentally was ripped off by time travelers and posted to Reddit months ago, before the Langoliers got their fill. At some point, the New York Post added the fact that the story takes place in England, because, what the hell, it might as well.
This would have ended up like the dozens of "real" and "hilarious" texts that go viral, if it wasn't for the fact that it features real people, and real people tend to mind when you make up bullshit about them -- especially if everyone got it completely backward. The "wedding crashers" are actually a rap group that was shooting this music video in Detroit when the wedding party photobombed them to take some pictures in the same place. So, yes, whoever made up that text message is full of crap, and just a wincy bit racist for automatically assuming the black guys were the uninvited party guests and not the other way around.