6 B.S. New Stories That Fooled Your Friends (Part 22)

#3. No, They Didn't Discover Ancient "Giant" Sperm

Do you often get complaints that your load isn't, well, loaded enough, and might be a bit too diaphanous for your wild vixen's tastes? Other than sulking away in shame, just remind your significant other that at least you don't have GIANT sperm, which is totally a thing that scientists recently discovered, according to several major publications, including the 15 million strong I Fucking Love Science page:

"I'm mildly indifferent toward actual news."

That's right -- as reported by the Washington Post, CBC, the Los Angeles Times, the Verge, and several others, scientists have stumbled upon the insane discovery of 17 million-year-old giant sperm, emphasis on the word "giant."



"Scientific community declares bats to be totally down for butt stuff."

So how giant is this giant vat of sperm? Roughly 1.3 mm long. See, when they said "giant," they meant it on a technicality, because it was "giant" when compared to the tiny ancient shrimp that it came from. What they really discovered was a tiny ancient shrimp that had sperm so big that it would drown another shrimp in a mishmash of crustacean bukkake hentai. So no, there was nothing giant about this, unless the media think we're all the size of an ant.

#2. The Chart of All the States' Google Searches Is Just Selected B.S.

A few days ago, you might have seen this map in your news feed:

And again 12 weeks from now when your aunt finds out about it.

Reblogged by various geek sites like Discovery, Chron, io9, and Uproxx (and of course the Daily Mail), with headlines calling the map "embarrassing" and "weird" and "surprising," the map shocked more than a few people, because if someone makes a map on the Internet with interesting data, it has to be true, right?

Right, except this isn't true in the way all the sites are trying to make you think it is. While the wildfire of this map spread in the tone of "Look at the crazy shit YOUR state is busy Googling!" the truth is that it's more along the lines of "Look at these funny search terms we thought of for each state." Because what Estately (the real estate website, not a map-making website) really did was go on Google Trends, think up several stupid search terms, and then find one for each state. Nothing in their data shows that the search terms listed on their map are actually popular searches in its state overall, simply that it's more popular there than every other state, meaning any state could be made to look like it was filled with weirdos. Type "clown sex" into Google Trends and you get Michigan; "goat porn" gets Illinois. But neither stat means that Michigan is filled with clown-fueled boners or that Illinois has a fetish for horned billies. It just means they have one more local clown-goat fetishist than everyone else, which isn't hard when there's only one person in the running.

John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"It's all I have left since they banned me from the circus' petting zoo."

#1. Matthew McConaughey Probably Doesn't Hate Anne Hathaway

For those who follow the various Hollywood gossip outlets, you might have heard one of the latest rumors surrounding the upcoming Interstellar movie: Lead Matthew McConaughey can't fucking stand his co-star Anne Hathaway, despite the way their last names both roll off the tongue the same way.

Paramount Pictures/Warner Bros.
He was already irritable due to a role calling for him to be fully clothed for upward of three hours at a time.

According to Showbiz Spy, Hollywood Take, and Uproxx, McConaughey reportedly grew sick of Hathaway's pseudo-form of method acting, where she would constantly ask director Christopher Nolan scientific questions regarding space travel and life on other planets to help give her the scientist feel of her character. McConaughey dubbed Anne the "nerd girl" and "Little Alien Annie" and tagged his body double in whenever necessary so that he could spend as little time as possible with one of the hottest women in Hollywood ...

... right. And the source for all this? A fuzzy picture of an uncited article that originally wound up on the Internet after being uploaded by a no-name Tumblr blog called Themorallycorruptfayeresnick:

What was that thing called "journalism" again?

The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

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