6 B.S. New Stories That Fooled Your Friends (Part 22)

Every so often, we here at Cracked like to remind you of all the viral stories that filled your Facebook feeds and dominated your Internet chatter, in an effort to show you the other side of the coin that the media "accidentally" forgot to let you see (aka the other side of the coin where Abe Lincoln's beard is made of bullshit).

#6. A High Schooler Didn't Feed Her Classmates Semen-Filled Cupcakes

Earlier this month, you might have come across this gut-wrenching headline that went viral: A high school girl had baked semen-filled cupcakes and fed them to her classmates at school.

gawker.com
Did she Danny Ocean a sperm bank?

According to esteemed publications including Gawker, the Mirror (which at this point we're declaring the Daily Mail's younger, more illiterate brother), and Medical Daily, the high school girl had been bullied so extensively by her peers that it drove her to the point of baking the cupcakes-that'll-make-you-fatter-than-any-other-cupcake-can-in-nine-months.

But that, of course, only applies if you read the headline and nothing else, because as is consistent with every single article reporting this story, a few paragraphs down you'll find that it was all a prank, and the only "semen" police found was actually mayonnaise. It's not that the teen girl hid the discovery of the semen and the pubic hair from the police -- it's that it was a fucking high school prank that for some reason made international headlines.

#5. Everyone Isn't Naming Their Kids "Brooklyn"

Having a baby girl soon? Thinking about adopting one and renaming it? Maybe in the mood to kidnap one from the hospital? Whatever you do, make sure you don't name her "Brooklyn," or else she'll wind up as one cog in the perpetual American Brooklyn machine. Why? Because according to various headlines, America has become obsessed with naming their girls "Brooklyn."

jezebel.com

gothamist.com

refinery29.com
Considering we're on the 750th installment of this series, it's not the only epidemic going strong.

It might actually be an interesting phenomenon ... if the headlines weren't totally bullshit. See, all of this Brooklyn outrage spawned from a map constructed by Slate early this month:

slate.com
"Maybe try reading our whole article next time?"

But as you can clearly see from the title of the chart if you're not a blogger desperately looking to fill your daily quota, the chart specifies that it's only listing "the most popular female baby names starting with B," which is almost the opposite of "EVERYONE IN AMERICA IS NAMING THEIR DAUGHTER BROOKLYN!" Because honestly -- what other options do you have when it comes to B? You name your daughter after the sock puppet that starred in Twilight, a shorter version of Brooklyn, or Brianna, which sounds too much like "banana" to be a good name. According to actual data, "Brooklyn" struggles to break the top 30 when it comes to names.

ssa.gov

So no, your kid's kindergarten class won't be filled with 10 Brooklyns.

#4. That Ancient Papyrus Proving Jesus Had a Wife Was Totally Fake

A few weeks ago, publications you thought you could always count on, such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, History, and even NPR, all reported the same shocking headline:

theatlantic.com
It means you should try harder.

The news -- which sent three dozen archbishops into cardiac arrest after realizing they had wasted a lifetime of celibacy -- revolved around the fact that a purportedly ancient fragment of papyrus had been found containing the phrase "Jesus said to them, 'My wife ...'" (as if Jesus were some '80s action hero who died right before he could ask them to tell her how much he loved her and not to fuck anyone else). The papyrus, according to the media, had finally been proven to be real, indicating that Jesus had a wife. The report was broken to the news by Dr. Karen King, the resident historian at Harvard Divinity School, finally declaring the papyrus' legitimacy after years of critics condemning it as a fake.

Karen L. King/AP
"Doctor, King, and Harvard. That's like three levels of legitimacy."

Except it totally was fake. It turned out that King's insight had come from an anonymous source, and after further testing, scientists found that the entire fragment had been copied from a 1924 publication, and it wasn't even written in the right ancient dialect. But because King and the media were ecstatic to report that Jesus was actually a married man who just didn't take his wife with him anywhere, they ran with the anonymous source. Because, you know, shit.

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