For some of us, the childhood board game Mouse Trap was a fun excuse to build a nonsensical Rube Goldberg machine. But for the following poor souls, the 37 circuitous steps it took to win Mouse Trap didn't have nearly enough firearms and near-death experiences.
Confused? You'll see what we mean in a minute.
#5. Man Solves Icicle Problem ... With Bullets
In yet another tale of freezing temperatures transforming Americans into maniacs, an 80-year-old man in Kane County, Illinois, had to figure out some way to knock off the icicles hanging on his house. (After all, ice doesn't just disappear by means of some borderline mystical chemical reaction.)
Upon realizing that threatening to loudly and laboriously recap the events of 1957 wouldn't dissuade the icicles, he was left with but one option: shooting them off with a handgun.
"I was told we were at war with Christmas. Was ... was I wrong?"
Concerned neighbors phoned the police, as people do when you begin shooting at shit outside your window. The cops drove over and asked the man to please stop hunting the icicles. He obliged, before presumably locking his door by ricocheting a bullet off the bolt.
#4. Guy Stops Traffic Noise ... With Nails
A man in Shenzhen, China, was perturbed by the traffic outside of his home. The man, surnamed Wu, could fathom but one solution to diminish the racket. No, not noise-canceling headphones or an audio tape of humpback whales making aqua-love -- his solution was steel nails, which he placed directly on the street.
"Wu's sleep, man, ain't nuthing ta fuck wit."
The nails blew out the tires of trucks, buses, and cars, which was satisfactory to Wu, as the sounds of screaming victims and exploding vehicles are much less distracting than tires on pavement. The authorities sentenced him to three years in prison, as Chinese law doesn't shine on those who commit manslaughter in the name of peace and quiet.
#3. Woman Warms Up Her Car's Engine ... With Charcoal
Once the fickle mistress that is winter hits -23 degrees, things like cars and sanity cease functioning properly. This explains why a Wisconsin woman went apeshit when her car was too cold to turn on, lighting a fire of charcoal underneath it to defrost the engine chamber and ending up torching the Little Car That Couldn't.
Lac du Flambeau Tribal Police Department
"OK, maybe the lighter fluid was a bit much."
The local sheriff noted that fortunately no one was injured, except the car, which is now tainted with $1,000 worth of damages and the memory of its master's complete betrayal.
#2. Woman Doesn't Like Sexy T-Shirts ... Buys All of Them
Upon walking by her local mall's PacSun store, Judy Cox of Utah got a case of the vapors, because displayed right in the store window were not one but four T-shirts, each with a picture of a nearly naked woman. Cox was concerned that children would be exposed to these salacious images, so she did the only thing a responsible parent could do: She bought out the store's entire collection.
"My son has nobly volunteered to keep these in his room so no poor child has to see them."
Unfortunately for Cox, the T-shirts were very popular, leaving only 19 for her to take away, costing her a little less than $600. Not that she intends to lose that $600 -- Cox plans to return the shirts at the tail end of PacSun's 60-day refund policy, which will render her protest completely 100 percent effective and will teach the entire planet the error of their ways.
#1. Family Gets Toilet-Papered ... Burns Down House
Cheryl Crausewell of Alabama woke up one morning last January to an unpleasant sight: Neighborhood kids had given her front yard tree the ol' toilet paper special. Crausewell and her son began to clean the toilet paper, but when they realized it was going to take more than five minutes of manual labor, they both agreed on the obvious solution: setting fire to the remaining toilet paper with a lighter.
The fire quickly spread from the toilet paper to the tree, then from the tree to the nearby grass, then to the backyard, then to a propane tank next to the barbecue, then finally ...
"Go, Diego, go! Save yourself!"
Thankfully, Crausewell's home was insured, and they plan to rebuild as soon as they convince the insurance company that "raging inferno due to freak toilet paper accident" totally counts. Fingers crossed!
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.