Steven Seagal recently announced that he is considering running for governor of the great state of Arizona, which would make him the third 1980s action star to be given control of an entire state by a voting populace raised on VHS rentals. However, after nearly cracking a rib with suppressed laughter, we began to realize that Steven Seagal is the perfect choice for a gubernatorial candidate.
#5. He Represents Every American
Steven Seagal shatters all racial boundaries and appeals to every possible demographic simultaneously. Thanks to his shapeless, melting snowman physique and nonspecific ethnicity, Seagal has successfully portrayed a person of virtually every race and nationality -- he has been a Russian, a Native American, a Hispanic, an Italian, and a plain old white dude. He may have even been an Eskimo once. The only ethnicity he has (so far) been unable to play is African-American, although he has made several films in which he surrounds himself with black actors to try to blend in.
"See? We both fight with karate swords. We're basically twins."
#4. He Is a Mystical Medicine Shaman
Steven Seagal has the answer to the health care debate: You don't need fancy big city doctors flapping their gums about "dialysis" and "major organ failure" when you've got diet and vitamins.
Steven Seagal is a card-carrying holistic medicine man. He has the ceremonial ponytail to prove it. And in the rare cases when cleansing your system of toxins just won't cut it, he is also an accomplished brain surgeon:
You don't want to see where he's clenching the third knife.
A skilled optometrist:
"Better or worse?"
And a licensed chiropractor:
20th Century Fox
He's fully certified from the Bane School of Medicine.
People of Arizona, your health care concerns could be wiped away with one cleansing vote for Steven Seagal.
#3. He Will Rid the Streets of Drugs and Organized Crime
Steven Seagal has been fighting the war on drugs for many years, and he knows how to stage tough interventions on troubled young people who are starting down the dangerous road of addiction:
And until Batman runs for office, no other candidate will be able to say that he has done more to personally rid the streets of crime than Steven Seagal. He has brought down the Russian mob, the yakuza, Jamaican voodoo drug lords, and the Aryan Nation. He even teamed up with DMX to fight police corruption, and that is a sentence that shouldn't exist.
#2. He Stands Up for Small Businesses
Steven Seagal understands the plight of the small business owner struggling to stay open in the shadow of Internet commerce and big-box retail chains. If elected, he will do everything in his power to protect brick and mortar local businesses from community-undercutting giants like Walmart, and also from the constant threat of armed robbery, by heroically breaking absolutely all of their merchandise and causing thousands of dollars of property damage so they can collect on sizable insurance claims.
Disclaimer: Some of the insurance claims Mr. Seagal will help small business owners collect may end up being life insurance claims.
#1. He Is a Champion for the Environment
If Big Oil comes to Arizona and tries to drill into sacred Indian burial grounds or protected wildlife reserves, Steven Seagal will lobby hard to keep their corporate greed at bay.
And Governor Seagal knows exactly how to deal with any dandy-suited fossil fuel fat cats that try to exploit his state's fertile ground illegally -- by drowning them in huge vats of oil.
To cut the film's carbon footprint, all the oil was taken from his hair.
Finally, when the dust settles, Mr. Seagal will stand before his stoic Native American constituents and deliver a chilling soliloquy about the dangers of pollution and environmental degradation, calling for the formation of a government agency that would oversee environmental regulation, limit pollution, and control emissions. Because apparently that organization doesn't exist yet.