5 Reasons Nicolas Cage's New Film Will Be Crazier Than Usual

#2. It's Violent as All Hell

Look, man -- all that peace and pacifism stuff that Jesus talked about? That shit goes out the window at the end of days. It's Mad Max time, man, and that means indiscriminate killing of, uh, pretty much everyone, believer or non. The books have about as many main character deaths as Game of Thrones, and they certainly don't mind killing the Antichrist's lackeys.

Tyndale House Publishers
"Dammit, Marty! I warned you what could happen if you let old Biff give young Biff a future Bible."

The Antichrist himself nukes dozens of cities, the main characters are pretty much unconcerned about innocent bystanders (besides, if they're really innocent, they're going to heaven, right?), and Jesus ... well, Jesus apparently don't give a fuck. He's able to rend the Antichrist's armies asunder with his voice, indiscriminately killing millions of people.

And that's not even touching the video game adaptation, Left Behind: Eternal Forces, a real-time strategy game that was blasted by everyone, including Christian groups, for promoting religious warfare, bigotry, and racism.

Inspired Media Entertainment
All of your units are white. This is not a joke.

#1. There Are 16 of These Books, and They Only Get Sillier

Yeah, Left Behind is just the first book. There are 12 sequels and three prequels, and that's not even including the Left Behind: The Kids books. And, as a bonus, they get even weirder and more obtuse as the series goes on. Take Apollyon, for example, where the climactic battle is against an army of tiny insect/horse/humanoid locusts who continuously shout "Apollyon!" Any army that can be destroyed with a can of Raid isn't much of a threat.

Tyndale House Publishers
"Upon opening the 35th seal did they appear, to bring ruin to humanity's picnics and ice cream socials."

But perhaps the strangest part is the end of the series, where the big guy himself, ol' J.C., finally makes an appearance. So how do you characterize Jesus? If you're Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, you make him a one-dimensional Bible verse quote machine (who blows things up with his voice, as we already pointed out). In Glorious Appearing and Kingdom Come, Jesus speaks in quotes he's already said in the Bible, making him some sort of weird amnesiac. He's like a Terminator that has only a few preprogrammed sayings built in.

Touchstone Pictures
Now this is who you should have saved Cage for.


For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and his first book, The Book of Word Records, available everywhere from Adams Media!

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