Good news, anyone reading this, the apocalypse is not upon us. Like so many times before, we bravely looked into the face of a date with some inconsequential bullshit "facts" tied to it and, somehow, did not succumb to a global wave of natural disasters and plagues. You should be nothing short of thrilled with those results. That is, of course, unless you're one of these idiots.
#5. The People Who Were Conned Into End Of The World Sex
The always reliable New York Post ran a piece recently about people who planned to spend the eve of our latest fake apocalypse trolling for people emotionally damaged enough to let their unfounded paranoia about the end of days manifest in a string of ill-advised sexual encounters. Or, as this sleaze puts it ...
"I will be looking for an end-of-the-world hook-up," Dennis Cintron, 29, a Lower East Side bartender, told The Post. "If you're going to go out, go out with a bang."
Nice pun, Dennis. Here's hoping all of that preying on the mental illness of others paid off handsomely last night.
#4. The Guy Building an Ark For Noah's Flood
Pieter van der Meer of the Netherlands spent 11,000 Euros (around $14,000 U.S.) building an ark for himself and his family in preparation for December 21st. You'd think after spending that kind of cash, Pieter's creation would be a bit more worthy of the word ark, but that's because you don't realize that fourteen grand in rational people money only buys approximately this much boat. So instead of a seaworthy vessel, he's got what looks like a floatation device for a huge lifeguard.
We could live in that thing for minutes!
There will be some point on December 21st when Pieter will be locked in his ark with his family, hearing the neighborhood kids laughing and playing outside, and Pieter will pray for the world's destruction just so he won't feel like such an asshole.
#3. Nancy Lieder
Back in 1995, a woman named Nancy Lieder introduced the batshit craziness of her "Planet X Theory" to the world. In short, it says that a huge planet is going to sneak up on us (as massive planets are wont to do) and smash the shit out of all life on earth. It's been almost 20 years since that prediction and, you might have noticed, none of that has happened. But when people started getting all fidgety about 12/21/12, Lieder pounced and decided that was the day her proposed apocalypse was going to happen.
And hey, before you go thinking this is all just a ploy to capitalize on the popularity of the Mayan calendar hysteria, you should know that Nancy gets all of her information direct from a race of telepathic aliens and has never even heard of the Mayans. So stop being so cynical, you guys. The telepathic aliens got one wrong for once. It happens. Kind of like it did when she predicted the world would end in 2003, also.
#2. The People Who Bought Apocalypse Insurance
You may remember the story about the bunch of committed atheists who made a killing charging people to look after their pets in the event of the Rapture a few months ago. Well, we know now that those people weren't raptured, which means they're now available to do absurd things like buy apocalypse insurance.
And they did, which would be infinitely more sad if the insurance was exorbitantly priced (although literally anything above "free" fits that bill in this instance). The insurance was only a few dollars though, because going insane shouldn't always have to break the bank. Speaking of questionable sanity, if you think people who bought apocalypse insurance are strange. You should meet ...
#1. The People Who Refused to Sell Apocalypse Insurance
Has there ever been a more foolproof business plan? There is literally no way for the customer to collect on an apocalypse policy. Either the world doesn't end or it does and you're not around to collect the money anyway. Yet some companies in Russia refused to be party to such a fleecing of the insurance buying public, citing concerns that the world isn't fucking ending today.
Are we surprised that square dealings of this sort still happen in a place as notoriously corrupt as Russia? No, we're surprised that they still happen anywhere.