While you have been consumed by the shutdown of the government, you probably missed the release of a boutique "televisual game" titled Grand Theft Auto V. And -- serendipitously enough -- there's recently been an outpouring of news stories that sound as though they could've been performed by one of the three GTA protagonists themselves.
#5. Two People Parachute into NYC at 3 a.m.
We don't know if they were taking a cue from James Bond, GTA, or Point Break, but Manhattan security cameras caught two people parachuting near the Goldman Sachs building at three in the morning, presumably to beat the morning commute.
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No word on if they decided to mod their jump with horse masks.
Officers who viewed the footage aren't sure if the pair parachuted from a plane or were base jumping (or exactly how many accuracy points they were awarded for landing on the designated spot).
#4. Guy Steals Car, Hits Nine Other Parked Cars
A 20-year-old college student in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, recently hijacked a running car late one night in the most GTA of fashions, namely because there was a woman still inside of it. He then proceeded to hit nine other parked cars on his excursion, which is totally OK and even expected if you are a resident of Los Santos or Liberty City, but not anywhere in the real world.
"Bullshit! This is one star at best!"
Despite his best efforts, he wasn't able to escape from the cops and was slapped with several charges, including kidnapping, vehicle theft, and, oh, hitting nine cars. Indeed, there was a method to his madness -- he allegedly told cops he wanted to see what it would feel like to be in Grand Theft Auto, apparently unaware of the fact that he would not be reincarnated at a hospital if his joyride ended disastrously.
#3. Man Steals Sheriff's Car After Leading Police on Chase
A Texas man politely declined to pull over for a routine traffic stop, instead choosing to lead officers on a high-speed chase directly to his house, which really only makes sense if you're living in a video game universe. The man left his car and ran to his backyard, probably thinking the jig was up. A sheriff left his running car to follow him, then tripped on a hole in the ground. Never one to miss an opportunity for more mayhem, the man proceeded to take off in the sheriff's car.
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"If that turd fucks with my seat settings, I'm shooting him. Twice."
A police truck was able to force him off the road before it crashed and caught on fire. Back at his house, they found $42,000 worth of meth, which pretty much explains everything, except why he led police directly to his stash.
#2. Police Car Ends up on Telephone Pole
A police officer spotted a driver not wearing his seat belt on Elvis Presley Boulevard, which is a totally real street in Memphis and not the main avenue of the rock and roll section of heaven, as we previously assumed. As the cop sped out to chase down the rebellious driver, he suddenly lost control of his vehicle after hitting a guide wire. What happened next can only be described as a game glitch that happened in real life.
"What do we do now?!"
"I don't know, run around in circles and shout stuff?"
The officer was able to escape the car unscathed, then proceeded to give tickets to cars that were slowing down to look at the incident, making this whole fiasco almost as much of a clusterfuck as the launch days of online games.
They look all shook up about it.
#1. Man Tries to Escape While Truck Is on Fire
A man was driving in Albuquerque, New Mexico, when he came across a roadblock for a movie set. While most of us would scale the block to attempt our big screen debut, this motorist was not only camera shy, but pissed. So he threw his lit cigarette onto a shirt in the back of his pickup truck. You know where this is going, don't you?
The shirt caught on fire, and because he had a bunch of other crap in the truck bed, the whole thing was an inferno on four wheels. Every GTA gamer is familiar with that horrible sinking feeling you get when, while driving a car, you hit one too many obstacles, causing your vehicle to erupt into flames. Instead of bailing out immediately, he kept driving through the streets like an insane float in a one-man parade from hell.
"Dammit, I just got the bulletproof tire upgrade on this baby, too."
Perhaps because he had a warrant for his arrest in Colorado (or he merely decided his day of being batshit insane just wasn't complete yet), the man equipped himself with a hammer and fled on foot to break into a house, despite being tased multiple times by police. Unfortunately, it wasn't his safe house, and the police were still waiting outside for him.
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"I'm just trying to save! Why isn't this working?"