A smartphone is like the new wallet, in that you can rifle through one quickly to see if its owner is a complete psychopath. And nowadays, phone apps have taken the place of such familiar billfold red flags as handcuff keys, bloody fingernails, baggies of horse tranquilizer, and Dave Matthews Band tickets.
So if you spy your loved ones using any of the following apps, change your name, take to the hills, and enjoy your new life as an old-timey jug merchant. Why? Because these apps let you ...
#5. Comb Facebook for Awkward Sex
The biggest problem with Facebook is that it's difficult to completely alienate yourself from friends and family without the assistance of scotch and politics. But thanks to the app Bang With Friends -- which Apple has already banned -- you don't need these lubricants to reduce your social life to a flaming desert of ash speckled with oases of shit-filled magma.
"This is the way our friendship ends. Not with a bang."
How does Bang With Friends score you fun with orifices? First, you quickly sort all of your Facebook friends into fuckable ("Down To Bang") or non-fuckable ("Up For Hang") categories. Then, you wait until one of the "objects of your erection" (sorry, we couldn't come up with another halfway decent malapropism for the ladies) also downloads the app and adds you to their diddle list. Here's one satisfied customer:
"Your loss." -Grandma
If cravenly fishing for sex among borderline strangers you went to church camp with 20 years ago doesn't work, you can also anonymously email them to persuade them to add the app, because -- if our spam folders have taught us anything -- there's nothing more erotic than receiving emails from faceless Internet phantoms demanding intercourse.
#4. Cheat on Your Spouse
The Internet has ushered in a new golden age of home wrecking, and the adultery merchants at Ashley Madison have capitalized on this brave new world with their Black Book app. For a price, this app allows you to make anonymous sex calls from disposable numbers like some kind of horny Avon Barksdale.
The app's most hilarious feature is a panic button that flips you over to a different website before the loveless sham you call a marriage is jeopardized any further. There's also a PIN option in case your suspicious spouse goes sneaking around your phone, as his or her curiosity will be entirely sated once they stumble across a nondescript app that requires a PIN number.
Which won't even stop them, since PINs are so easy to break.
#3. Bash Your Ex-Boyfriends Online
If Sex and the City had a moral, it's that A) women love to gossip about guys and B) you should avoid the island of Manhattan, because it's a giant Indian burial ground that magically transforms anyone with XX chromosomes into a gin-soaked harpy. A brand new app called Lulu -- which allows women to anonymously rate men in the style of Yelp -- utilizes this former lesson.
By operating solely out of Facebook profiles, only women are able to get Lulu, which they use to grade the fellows they've canoodled using a series of hashtags designed around the gender assumptions of a 1970s Disney executive.
We assume "Would date a girl that uses this app" is one of the tags under "worst."
As for the men, they can rest assured that their sexual abilities are being assiduously documented by a small army of former lovers who -- thanks to the Buddha-like calm anonymous Internet commenting inspires -- have transcended any and all vindictive impulses.
#2. Snitch on Bad Parking Jobs
"Parking attendant" is the natural progression from "high school hall monitor" -- both jobs require one to enforce rules while possessing doodly-squat authority. And now this inconsequential job is being made even less important with SpotSquad, an app that crowdsources the job of parking enforcer to a sad and vengeful public.
This app, which Canada is currently demoing, works like this: You see an illegally parked car, open the app, and then mark down the particular offense. Then you note the license plate, take a picture of the car, and send it in for a small finder's fee. That's right, they pay you up to 40 percent of the ticket's fine.
Maybe now you can buy those "friends" the Internet speaks so highly of.
Don't get us wrong -- the world is full of parking jobs that should earn inconsiderate motorists 45 minutes on a test track where they attempt to outrun Bigfoot and Grave Digger while driving a Power Wheels. But it's just as plausible that this app will attract swarms of tattletale vultures who enjoy waiting for the exact second your parking meter hits zero. Welcome to our dark future, where the wise carry around potato sacks full of nickels.
#1. Become a Passive-Aggressive Shut-In
Back in the day, if you wanted to become a friendless hermit, you'd simply unplug the land line, lock the door, and growl Mesopotamian profanities at the mailman. But things have become a bit more complex in the 21st century. Thanks to the app Hell Is Other People, you can now use your pals' FourSquare check-ins to create a map that aids you in avoiding them entirely.
It should have been an app that helps you avoid people who use the previous apps.
The orange dots above are points in which your "friends" have checked in their location, whereas the green are optimal safe distance areas where you can lurk around in public and not have to hide behind mailboxes. Of course, the fatal flaw of Hell Is Other People is that it assumes that the antisocial and the paranoid among us would own a smartphone in the first place, instead of an unmarked locker in a bus station.