5 Movie Reboots That Must Be Stopped

#2. Remaking The Mummy, Only More Modern

You would think that a film series based on a mummy would have limited options. You know it's going to involve an ancient curse and be set in Egypt, and a pyramid will most likely make an appearance. Even Abbott and Costello only had enough material for one movie, and The Mummy has already squeezed out six movies from its rolled toothpaste tube of a franchise at this point. Once you've added the Rock to the cast, where do you go from there? Two the Rocks?

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Haha, there aren't enough protein shakes on Earth for that to be possible."

Universal has decided to reboot the franchise, regardless of how many the Rocks decide to get involved. This time, however, it's going to be set in modern times, which is really limiting your options for sequels; the only reason the original movies got away with the whole "How has this cursed tomb not been nuked into oblivion by every country on Earth?" thing was because it was set in the 1920s and '30s, before cellphones were a thing. A sentient sandstorm in the age of YouTube is not something that people are going to stand for.

We're getting ahead of ourselves discussing sequels at this point, since they can't seem to get anyone to direct the damn thing. After the original director, Len Wiseman, dropped out, replacement Andy Muschietti left the project due to creative differences. Apparently Universal wanted a more family-friendly action movie than Muschietti was prepared to deliver. (The Mummy featured anti-Semitism and a man getting eaten alive by scarab beetles, how much darker do you really want to go?)

This, of course, brings up the question of Brendan Fraser and if he will be in the reboot. Well, setting it in modern times would peg his character's age at about 130, so that kinda closes the book on that. But wait! Fraser had a cameo in the first G.I. Joe movie (which he literally begged for). Independent of any official sanction from Universal, or really anyone involved with The Mummy franchise, Fraser declared his G.I. Joe character to be a descendent of his Mummy character, setting the stage for his return in the new movies. Bulletproof, Brendan!

sumnersgraphicsinc/iStock/Getty Images
"Hey, I'm not supposed to play the mummy! Why are you bandaging me!?!"
"It'll be OK, Brendan."

#1. A Bunch of '80s and '90s Action Vehicles (Without the Original Stars)

If you thought the Point Break remake currently in production wasn't baffling enough, good news! There's plenty more blatant nostalgia pandering in the works, starting with a remake of the classic Bloodsport, where Jean-Claude Van Damme beats the shit out of bad guys for 90 minutes. If that's not your style, maybe you'd like the reboot of Kickboxer, where Jean-Claude Van Damme beats the shit out of bad guys for 100 minutes. Naturally, Van Damme is not involved with either of these, let alone both. Having Van Damme beat the shit out of people in two places at once? That's just absurd.

Chris Jackson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"We were going to ask about a cameo, but he's clearly moved on to bigger and better things."

But JCVD isn't the only one having the skeletons of his career dug up and thrown out on stage for one more showstopper. A remake of the 1993 John Lithgow thriller Cliffhanger has already been greenlit, although Lithgow will not be reprising his role, nor will Sylvester Stallone, who played a small role in the original as well. And, just for good measure, a sequel to Top Gun is back in the works after originally being shelved following Tony Scott's death. This reboot would feature a new hotshot pilot pushing the edge of the envelope in drones, because all that was missing from the original film was the pulse-pounding action of Maverick sitting in an air-conditioned trailer, staring at computer monitors.


When he's not remaking Van Damme films, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

More Quick Fixes:

See More

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

0 Comments

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!