Ask any autoerotic asphyxiationado and they'll tell you -- there's no worse embarrassment than being found dead in an undignified position. (Or at least you'd learn that if he or she weren't dead.) We at Cracked disagree, as the following stories confirm that the real fear is being found alive. Just behold the following imbroglios ...
#5. Woman Tries to Cross Railroad Bridge as It Ascends, Gets Stuck Up There
Say you're taking a stroll one day when you come across a group of people gawking at something and taking photos. You look up, and there's a lady in pink just quietly hanging from a large wooden structure, 22 feet in the air.
Did we mention you're in Florida? We probably don't need to.
This was the scene in Fort Lauderdale when a woman inexplicably decided to hop on a railroad bridge right before it ascended, trapping herself in a position that one passerby described as akin to Jesus Christ (had he lived today with zero sense of judgment or timing). It took firefighters a half hour to rescue her, and it turned out she was dressed in pink because she'd been to a breast cancer awareness march earlier that morning. Awareness achieved, we'll give her that.
#4. Two Separate Teenagers in England Needed Firemen to Get Out of Baby Swings
Forget drugs, here's the biggest epidemic threatening our children today: getting stuck in baby swings and having to be rescued by firemen.
Actually, both problems may be related.
The above is a teenager from England who, to the delight of her cheering "friends," had to be cut out of a baby swing that she somehow managed to wiggle inside like a giant Chinese finger trap for stupid people. A week later, in a completely different city, another teenager had the exact same bright idea with equally embarrassing results -- in fact, a simple YouTube search reveals that this oddly specific scenario happens so often that the fire department should consider renaming itself the Dumb Teenager Rescue Squad.
At least if there's ever a teenage uprising, we know what to set as traps.
#3. Woman Who Can't Swim Walks Off a Dock While Checking Facebook
In what sounds like a scene from the gender-swapped revamp of Mr. Magoo, a woman in Melbourne was so engrossed by the updates of her Facebook contacts on her phone that she absent-mindedly walked out of St. Kilda's pier and into the deep below. We imagine it still took a few seconds for the woman to register what was going on, and yet a few more for her to remember that she can't swim.
pressureUA/iStock/Getty Images, MidoSemsem/iStock/Getty Images, Nastco/iStock/Getty Images
Spoiler: Not Aquaman.
Luckily, she was able to float on her back for 20 minutes until police arrived in a speedboat and picked her up -- her phone still in her grasp, because despite the name, it's not like selfies can actually take themselves.
#2. Man Falls into Septic Tank, Needs a Pulley to Get Out
When a man fell 8 feet into a surprise abyss on a rainy night in Rochester, he no doubt figured that would be the low point of his evening. That's when he realized that he hadn't just stepped in it -- he was literally swimming in poop, having fallen into a long forgotten septic tank that collapsed. The man was there 45 minutes before a crew rigged a pulley system to get him out.
But hey, it could be worse. He could have been this guy:
John Cleese has really let himself go.
That's Kenneth Webster Enlow of Oklahoma, who pleaded guilty to various charges of being gross after diving into a septic tank to peep at women going potty in a park. He had to be rescued by the fire department, although we can all agree that they probably should have left him down there.
#1. Way Too Many People Are Getting Stuck Between Walls
2013 was the year of Obamacare, twerking, and -- right near the end -- people falling into urban crevasses like they were rushing to fill a yearly quota.
The Chinese bootleg of 127 Hours had a considerably lower budget.
First, a teenager in China decided to rescue his fallen PSP in a 25-centimeter gap between two warehouses, only to end up the meat of a brick sandwich spectacle. He only had a few months to feel like the dumbest person ever, though, because in December a woman in California attempted to jump a gap between two roofs, only to realize she wasn't in a Matrix movie, and landed in the equivalent of a building's butt crack.
But that's nothing compared to the NYU student who got drunk, failed to jump a railing, and was trapped between two walls for 36 hours. The student had been reported missing, and they were probably about to rename the campus cafeteria in his memory when someone realized he'd been right there all along, nursing the worst possible hangover of 2013.
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