Whether you're a terrible person or the literal ghost of Mother Teresa, it's human nature to cast yourself as the fearless hero of your own life story. For the majority of us, no one cares that we think of ourselves as Martin Luther King Jr. Jr.: The Remix. But when famous people compare their (often self-made) problems to civil rights icons or soldiers during wartime, the human race's collective IQ goes into a death spiral.
#5. Illinois Congressional Candidate Compares Phil Robertson to Rosa Parks
In light of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson's homophobic remarks and subsequent suspension from his own television show, many in the conservative Christian demographic sought to defend Robertson's "freedom of speech" and praised him for standing up for their beliefs (never mind that he was mostly talking about preferring vaginal sex to anal sex).
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"Unless it's an official Duck Dynasty butt mold, only $159 at Walmart."
For those remarks, a Mr. Ian Bayne, candidate for the Illinois 11th District, dug deep and decided that Robertson was the "Rosa Parks of our generation." Never mind that in the same interview Robertson argued that Southern blacks were perfectly happy under Jim Crow laws. Bayne believes that, much like how Parks took a stand against the unjust persecution of African-Americans, Robertson has taken a stand against the unjust persecution of Christians in our society, as the United States is basically ancient Rome with cars.
#4. Rick Santorum Thinks Obamacare Is Like Apartheid
Nelson Mandela's recent death was almost universally greeted with mourning at the loss of a man who suffered on behalf of the cause of equality in a country of institutionalized racism. Rick Santorum, a former Republican presidential candidate and senator from Pennsylvania, decided that Mandela's death was the perfect vehicle to express his distaste for Obamacare.
Santorum told a Fox reporter that Mandela was fighting a great injustice in apartheid, which is about the only true thing he said in the interview. Santorum followed that up by saying that the greatest injustice in America is how Obamacare is bloating the government, and it needs to be fought. He might have picked the wrong issue to fight using Mandela as a symbol, because interestingly enough, Mandela himself instituted a fundamental right to health care in his South African Constitution.
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"They didn't mention that until the third paragraph of his wiki. Who has time for that much reading?"
#3. Chris Brown Compares Himself to Trayvon Martin
It's coming up on five years since Chris Brown laid a little more than a hand on his then-girlfriend Rihanna, and there's not a media outlet left that hasn't lambasted him for it. He feels like he's moved on, but the rest of the world is still pretty convinced that Breezy's kind of a douchebag. Why wouldn't we be? He's gotten into homophobic Twitter fights, had other violent outbursts, and dressed up like a terrorist. He's still not sure why people aren't back in love with him.
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Sane people, at least.
Despite bringing every ounce of hate on himself, Brown is really kind of frustrated that the media keeps laying the hammer down on him. So much so that he's now convinced himself that it's because we're all racist. Not only that, we're treating him the exact same way that George Zimmerman did Trayvon Martin. Brown's maybe half right -- we're still sort of discriminatory against him, but it isn't because people hate black people -- it's because they hate douchebags. And while we're on the topic of d-bags ...
#2. Kanye West Thinks He's Got a Dangerous Job
The world sort of already views most famous people as undeserving of their absurd riches and not being "one of us," but Kanye West has now taken this to a whole new extreme by claiming that, since he's got such occupational hazards as slipping on stage, his line of work is clearly on par with that of police and military.
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"The drop crotch pants are tactical. Why else would I wear them in public?"
His life clearly on the line, West has been called out by actual police officers and military support groups that think he wouldn't be able to last a day in the military. He's been issued challenges to go and enlist himself, so in a way they're telling him to die. But ... but Kanye does get shot at every day! By, umm, cameras, and, uh, the disgusted glares of people with a sense of decency!
#1. Rob Ford Thinks His Loss of Mayoral Power Is Like Saddam Hussein Invading Kuwait
The mayor of Toronto who got caught doing crack is starting to pay the price. His city council recently voted to strip him of nearly all of his mayorly powers and give them to a deputy mayor. As a guy who does crack, naturally Ford got a little spazzy at this news, charging around the room and knocking over another council member.
But while he was plowing around like a rhino, he spat out some nonsense from his mouth, too. Ford called the stripping of his powers a "coup d'etat" and said that their attack on him was like the invasion of Kuwait. He might want to be careful with that type of analogy in the future, as Kuwait isn't exactly a model of peace and stability right now.