Normally the news doesn't align with crackpot scenarios Agent Mulder used to spout at Scully and her fabulous haircuts on a weekly basis. But, as we've already pointed out before, there are a few terrifying exceptions ...
#5. French Cops Stumble Upon Exorcism
When multiple people in the French town of Limoux reported hearing screams in their neighborhood, police officers rushed to the scene expecting to find a murder in progress, or perhaps something worse, like two murders in progress. That's when they realized the screams were coming from a local church, where the pastor told them to calm down -- it wasn't a murder, it was simply an exorcism. As the screams were merely the last throes of a demon being cast back into the fiery abyss from which it came and not anything serious, the police decided to sit back and watch the whole thing.
lindependant.fr / Guillaume
"With a name like that, we're just glad it wasn't hillbilly rape."
#4. No One in Beijing Will Go Near Haunted House
Houses get abandoned all the time, but as the New York Times recently touched upon, the Chaonei No. 81 building in Beijing has a certain catch: It's apparently haunted as shit. Everyone, from authorities to squatters, refuses to go near it -- so it just sits between two modern developments like some kind of murder/suicide version of the movie Up.
Like if Pixar was run by Rob Zombie.
The house is protected as a historical building, so it can't just be torn down. However, all attempts at renovation have so far been fruitless due to there being zero offers by anyone willing to do the job. Apparently the Red Guards in the 1960s couldn't handle living there. And so it sits, marred by graffiti warning any unfortunate visitors to stay away.
Gilles Sabrie/New York Times
Ferreted away deep in this house lies one ton of fresh horse bladders and 300 helium tanks.
Local legend has it that the first resident hanged herself in the place 60 years ago and has been, uh ... hanging around the place ever since. While that's probably bullshit, no one seems to agree on what this place's actual origin is -- just as the house wants.
#3. Cat Heads Plague Canadian Town
The streets of Stouffville, Ontario, are starting to look disturbingly like the Facebook feed of your jackass friend who thinks "animal activism" means "posting pictures of gross stuff." Why? Because six severed cat heads have been found on public display since August, and the most disturbing part is that no one can seem to find the rest of them or any traces of blood. Here's the obligatory cute picture to wash that sentence from your mind:
Kittens running through a field would be inappropriate this time, so we went with bunnies.
So far police have no idea who's responsible for the felinicides. Fingers crossed there's an eccentric but well-meaning Ontarian mad scientist who's simply crossbreeding cats with geckos and giving them the least useful evolutionary adaptation ever.
#2. Couple Receives Terrifying Painting in the Mail
On one presumably rainy British day, Keith Webb received a mysterious package in the mail. There was no return address, nor could the mail service say where it came from. Inside there was this 200- to 300-year-old painting. (The age of the model is probably in the same ballpark.)
Look at it.
Who is that woman? What does she want? Keith had no idea. His wife immediately banished the painting to their garage, and it's easy to understand why.
WE SAID LOOK AT IT.
After Keith called the woman a "horrid old crone" on TV, a relative from Australia revealed that it could be his great-grandmother -- but there's still no word as to how the painting made it to him, or what terrible curse afflicted the last owner.
HE'S BEHIND YOU.
#1. Giant Hornets Are Coming for You
Vespa mandarinia -- otherwise known as the "Asian giant hornet" -- is a 2-inch-long particularly aggressive species of flying asshole. But that sentence probably won't sink in as much as this image will:
Please tell us that's a baby's hand.
Yeah. Fuck. Also, they've managed to kill over 40 people and injure over 1,600 in China this fall alone. It's so bad that police and firemen are getting special protective suits to combat the problem, and by "suits" we assume they mean "robot armor."
But hey, just move out of China, right? Well, that's exactly what they're doing -- the hornets, not the people. Just last year, a batch of these insect bullets were spotted in freaking Chicago. And let's not forget the European "bigger than a thumb" hornet discovered in the U.K. last week, who was clearly attempting to join its stingy brethren in the upcoming flying monster apocalypse.