Due to the staggering increase in the number of men who wear makeup (a figure arguably interchangeable with the number of men who don't understand that fame and wealth are required before it's acceptable to look like a jackass), cosmetics companies have begun marketing their products directly to male consumers, providing them with a more dignified alternative to rooting through their girlfriend's purse while she's on the phone with her dying grandmother.
#5. Alpha Nail Polish
The makers of Alpha Nail nail polish (like alpha male, get it? Goddammit that's clever, we'll buy one of every color!) have successfully convinced men to paint their nails by referring to their product as "war paint" and "armor," instead of what it actually is, "Adam Lambert's Sunday afternoon."
None of those words are true. And dressing like that is a surefire way to regain your virginity.
As you can see on their unspeakably hilarious website, which features a slideshow of men wearing nail polish in shades typically reserved for little girls while trying very hard not to look like models for a homosexual dating service (including an MMA enthusiast clearly abducting two women with the word "SEX" written in the air next to him), Alpha Nail is available in colors such as Smoke, Concrete, Burnin' Rubber, Benjamins and Cocaine, which all sound like code names from G.I. Joe's male stripper division.
#4. Anti-Shine Powder
Menaji Anti-Shine Powder is for guys looking for a way to conceal their overly shiny skin, which, despite sounding like an android malfunction, is apparently a problem that human beings encounter. The product description assures us that it's "not that girly if no one knows," which we assume is their half-hearted attempt to encourage grown men to buy face powder that comes in a little case with a mirror and a puffy applicator while simultaneously acknowledging that such an item is called a compact, and compacts are things that ladies use.
#3. Sport Men's Alice Football Hairband
The jagged, testosterone-dripping "metal teeth" on the Sodial Men's Headband are designed to keep your flowing warrior's mane out of your eyes while you sports the fuck out of everything around you. "Hair bands aren't just for girls, you asshole," it seems to say. And hey, even David Beckham wears one, and he's a dude.
Of course, David Beckham is a very pretty dude, and he typically wears as much makeup as his inflatable wife. Also, having "Alice" in the headband's name seems to rob it of masculinity, especially when you consider that it is called an "Alice band" after the titular little girl in Alice in Wonderland.
#2. Puffs for Men
Puffs for Men
This is actually manlier if you think of it as a Star Trek costume.
The makers of Puffs for Men's Jumbo Body Puff assure their customers that no longer shall they have to endure the snickers of checkout clerks in cosmetics stores to fill their oversized-powder-puff needs. The Jumbo Body Puff can be discreetly purchased online, and comes complete with a masculine camouflage-print bag to keep it hidden from your friends, lest they report you to the police and have your Maxim subscription revoked. Of course, we question the "masculinity" both of a tiny satin handbag with a drawstring and of anything that could be concealed within, unless it's a hand grenade made of monster trucks and mustaches.
MMUK's Manly Man's Man Manscara, in addition to being the most club-footed overcompensation in the history of product naming, is the key to being successful in the boardroom and the bedroom (apparently). Manscara lets you make those eyes pop while maintaining your masculinity, a phrase which here means "attempting to be dark and interesting, but instead looking like Johnny Depp's swollen diabetic nephew and/or the bad guy from Stargate." Its durable, "all day" formula guarantees that it will withstand even the most blubbery sobbing fit, which you will undoubtedly experience after having failed so utterly at life.
Finally, a solution for those "lifeless eyes" of yours.
Join Tracy at her Tumblr here. Manscara optional.