In modern civilization, if you have a grievance with another human being, you can't simply bash them over the head with a mastodon bone and toss them in a tar pit.
No, as the following touched souls demonstrate, you must psychologically torment your nemesis until your vendetta ends up as a blurb scored to "Yakety Sax" on the evening news. Here are five individuals who are the earthly incarnates of George Costanza.
#5. Guy Hates Neighbors, Fills Yard With Toilets
Augusta, Maine, plumber David Labbe had plans to demolish his home and sell the property to a developer, who would plop down a Dunkin' Donuts in its place. But when Augusta officials scotched plans for the fried dough franchise after neighbors voiced their concerns, Labbe began filling his lawn with toilets, because "They pissed me off, I'm going to piss them off now."
And so sprang up his protest -- a street-side garden of flower-festooned piss pots (and a crudely painted call for commodes):
Good call. After 75, you just look like a crazy person.
As of last month, Labbe had at least a dozen toilets facing the street. He boasted to local press that he was going "to line the whole street with toilets." ("I figure I can put almost a hundred up in there," he warned.) To reiterate, basically nobody in Augusta wanted this Dunkin' Donuts except for Labbe, who also used his newfound infamy to inform the press that he hates the town because it's packed to the gills with sex offenders.
Lisa F. Young/iStock/Getty Images
Which might explain why they're so adamant about keeping Dunkin' Donuts away.
#4. Angry Man Blasts Cannon at Neighbor Constantly
Residents of Chautauqua County, New York, were recently treated to an impromptu Civil War re-enactment when an ongoing dispute between 52-year-old Brian J. Malta and a neighbor prompted Malta to whip out his replica of a Civil War-era cannon and start partying like it was 1861.
"When he wakes up this mornin'
He'll have sworn it was judgment day."
In other words, Malta farted cannon booms in his neighbor's general direction again and again for days on end. Whatever the dispute was, it wasn't dire enough to warrant the use of actual cannonballs, but police charged Malta with being a noisy prick (paraphrasing the law here) and presumably every other news rag in the greater Buffalo metro $1,000,000 for groan-worthy headlines like "UNCIVIL WAR" and "A BALL-LESS BATTLE."
#3. Man Spends $1,500 to Fight $100 Parking Ticket
Last month, Vic Bryant of British Columbia was faced with a parking violation after authorities claimed that his son had parked in a spot too close to a driveway. But since Bryant was only given six days' notice before his ticket was to be contested (instead of the minimum of 14 required by law), he missed the early deadline and was unable to show up on the designated day, jacking up his parking ticket to $100.
It was the most offensive move in Canadian law enforcement history.
At this point, Bryant proceeded to hire a lawyer, who successfully got the city to void the fine. Unfortunately for Bryant and his unflagging devotion to principle, the legal fees cost him the price of 15 overdue parking tickets, none of which was reimbursed by the city. So score one for enforcing the letter of the law, subtract $1,500 (and the peace of mind that incredibly minor events in your life are not international news).
#2. Dude Turns His Life Savings into Gold, Says He Threw It Away to Spite His Ex
A few months ago, Earl Ray Jones of Colorado was ordered by a judge to hand over $3,000 per month to his former wife of 25 years. But because Jones apparently attended the Ron Swanson School of Financial Management, he told the court he turned their entire life savings of $500,000 into 22 pounds of gold bars and coins and then threw it in a motel dumpster.
Christian Murdock/The Gazette
"Soiled mattress marks the spot."
If he did toss the gold like a sack of moldy potatoes, it's unclear if Jones has any real plan to retrieve his riches (as he's rather unsurprisingly stewing in jail after being convicted of being a terrible human being). And speaking of deranged ways to get revenge on your former spouse ...
#1. Man Buys House Next to His Ex-Wife, Installs a Giant Middle Finger
In Orchard Lake, Michigan, a strip club owner by the name of Alan Markovitz recently decided to purchase a new house, because installing the most inertia-free stripper poles and restocking the cocktail sauce for the buffet can wait.
But Markovitz had ulterior motives with his fresh real estate, which, not coincidentally, was right next to the house of his ex-wife and her new lover. What intentions, to be exact? A giant middle finger.
The statue, which is clearly visible through his ex-wife's window, is illuminated with a spotlight that keeps it shining all throughout the night, reminding her now and forever that a guy who's embroiled in a class action lawsuit brought against him by 700 exotic dancers just might have some relationship issues.
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