Yes, "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is equal to nine Renoirs stapled together, but let's be honest -- there's not a lot of refined artwork inspired by football. Nowhere in the Louvre hangs a tasteful watercolor of John Madden in nude repose, and that's just crazy.
Also, this photo is 100 percent better if you imagine that he's not wearing pants.
Still, we had a sneaking suspicion that there were talented artists out there blending the raw athleticism of the gridiron with the snooty-tootiness of fine art. To investigate, Cracked went to the popular portfolio website deviantART and searched for a single word: "NFL."
We regretted this decision immediately. Behold our chilling findings, as our sanity will not allow us to carry this burden alone.
#5. NFL Mascot Furry Drawings
Some of you are now doubtless asking, "Aren't most NFL mascots technically furries?" We'll give you that. But there's a stark difference between the goggle-eyed antics of the Atlanta Falcons' mascot, Freddie, and a grown man transforming into Freddie while crying.
Yup, there's an illustrator out there whose calling in life is to draw football players metamorphosing into almost every NFL mascot. And these aren't joyful changes. The manimals in these drawings are all weepy about joining the special teams for the Island of Doctor Moreau Brandos.
Why don't furries dream of turning into happy anthropomorphic animals, like Stuart Little or Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows? Mr. Toad had such a nice house.
It's like if Teen Wolf ended in 25 minutes with Dan Marino murdering Michael J. Fox with a T-shirt cannon.
#4. Football Players With Horror Arms
Most Baltimore Ravens fans have wondered what would happen if Ray Rice's biceps became impregnated with twin alien fetuses, but only one man is driven enough to portray this scenario (over two dozen times, using multiple players).
Gamma ray doping remains a gray area in the eyes of the law.
Of course, these heaving humerus hams would almost certainly destroy all of the players' careers. But that's sort of moot, as we're already assuming their elbows work.
"Wedge the ball between my hand and shoulder. I've been stuck like this since the Pro Bowl."
#3. Big-Breasted Ogresses Wearing NFL Jerseys
As you may have noticed, once a deviantART user gets a perversely dumb idea in their noggin, they must share said dumb idea with the Internet no less than seven times.
Take this fellow, who felt cosmically compelled to render a whole gang of lacquered Amazons with greasy underboob. (To his credit, we appreciate his Washington Redskins redesign, which replaces racism with Satanism.)
Look, other people's harmless kinks are whatever, but we don't see the appeal here. That demon lady looks like chorizo wearing a wig. It'd be less of an ordeal to rub one out to this California Raisins cartoon, which is the most disturbing thing we can name off the top of our heads.
Please don't. You'll never forgive yourself.
#2. Entire NFL Seasons Depicted in Tentacle Rape
Last year, a Pixar animator won over the Internet by recapping the 2012 NFL season using a charming series of metaphorical cartoons. But he wasn't the first person to do so. No, since 2011, some random horrible has re-enacted dozens of football games using sad cheerleaders being molested by tentacles tattooed with NFL logos. WHY DID WE APPROVE THIS ARTICLE?
"This is the exact crap George Lucas pulled on Kurosawa." -Every hentai artist in Japan
#1. Spider-Man Playing for the St. Louis Rams Clotheslining a Headless Seahawks Player With Great Insouciance
We have no idea why this drawing exists. We don't care. Our brains are bleeding out of our ears. This is the finest masterpiece in art history, pigskin-related or otherwise. We never want to look at another painting again. We want to forget what a football is. We want the human race to crawl into a gypsum mine and go extinct.