Over the last century, humanity has witnessed perhaps the greatest explosion of technological innovation in the history of our species. But while Homo sapiens continues to make huge strides in telecommunications, medicine, and teledildonics, we're plateauing in other fields: namely, junk food.
Yes, our noble quest to dream up taste sensations has backfired completely. Instead of creating new, artery-clogging delicacies straight out of an episode of Star Trek where the Enterprise crew visits the Obesity Planet, today's kitchen innovators just smush existing edibles together into ghastly amalgams. If the following new foodstuffs portend a dark future, expect to see cottage cheese pizza soda on the shelves by 2015.
#5. The Doughnut Breakfast Sandwich
Dunkin' Donuts has recently come out with its newest product: the Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich. That's right, folks -- the bylaws of modern cuisine now allow you to stick a fried egg and some bacon between any two random pieces of organic matter and officially dub it a "breakfast sandwich."
James Scherer/Dunkinâ€™ Donuts
Your cholesterol levels officially dub it "Fuck You."
But the most depressing thing about this sandwich is neither the sheer lack of creativity nor the fact that Dunkin' Donuts has biologically engineered perhaps the world's most efficient diarrhea grenade. No, it's that this monstrosity packs 30 calories less than the turkey sandwich on their healthy menu.
Jessica Rinaldi/The Boston Globe
"It's like an enema ... for your mouth!"
And if you think this is an affront to bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches everywhere, brace yourself for our next taste sensation ...
#4. The Waffle Taco
Here's further evidence that the gustatory brain trust at Taco Bell believes that the Texas-Mexico border is actually located in a Lovecraftian hell dimension inhabited by giant screaming slug monsters. Gaze upon the Breakfast Waffle Taco, and try not to go mad.
The call of Crapulhu.
According to Taco Bell, this mutant delectable consists of scrambled eggs and a sausage patty ensconced in a limp waffle grid. But judging from this photo, it resembles a waffle cradling a diseased bowel movement so strenuous that some poor bastard lost a chunk of his stomach lining. As this is a breakfast food, we presume Taco Bell's marketing strategy is to sell this flatulent abomination to people who are driving their cars half-asleep.
Maybe you should try making edible regular tacos before you go flying toward that sun of gout, Icarus.
#3. The Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich
"Should we make special mini Pop-Tarts for this?"
"Just break that shit in half. No one gives a damn."
For those of you with diabetes on your bucket list, you can get this sugary horror at most Carl's Jr. branches around the United States. If there's a point of sweetness where your taste buds shriek in pain and beg you to eat a goddamn radish instead, this astoundingly lazy dessert has achieved it. On the plus side, of all the weirdo combination foods to hit the scene lately, this is the easiest one to make at home (preferably in the dark, alone with your shame).
#2. The Ramen Burger
If you find yourself visiting New York City but have already experienced the thrills of shelling out $40 for a black-market cronut, rest assured that there are plenty of other pointless food crazes on which to waste your money and/or precious time on Earth. For one, Go Ramen!'s ramen burger, which is currently attracting lines in the neighborhood of 186 people and four hours long.
Which is juuust about enough time for the weed to wear off, and for you to realize how stupid a decision this was.
While the ramen burger sounds considerably less vile than the aforementioned food atrocities -- it's more or less ground beef paired up with noodles -- that's an absolutely idiotic amount of time to wait to essentially eat ramen without a bowl. And while we're on the topic of weirdo Japanese fusion, let's talk about ...
#1. Creamed Corn Nuggets
KFC Japan has recently announced that they'll start offering deep-fried corn potage fritters -- in other words, nuggets o' soup. If you've ever angled to deep-fry your own vomit but didn't know where to start, here is your template.
Finally, munchies for the stoner grandparents out there.
Look, 200 or so people in Toronto recently enjoyed some food poisoning after eating tainted maple bacon cronut burgers. If that's not a sinister omen telling us to quit it with the breaded slop orbs and glazed eggwiches, we don't know what is.
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