The 5 Most Insanely Apocalyptic Photos of America Right Now

#2. Structures Not Seen in Generations Are Surfacing Again

With all of California's water reserves drying up comes another surprise: Since many of these lakes are man-made and didn't exist in the old-timey days, there's a lot of shit hidden beneath all that water that's now seeing light for the first time in decades, or even centuries. Earlier this year, residents of Santa Barbara noticed that their lake had gone missing, and in its place was this old, now pointless causeway and/or bridge from the 1930s.

Urban Hikers
They now skinny dip in the bridge.

And this wasn't some small wimpy-ass lake -- this was Lake Cachuma, which during better days looked like there should be elves and hobbits bathing in it. Then there's Lake Don Pedro in Tuolumne County, which, at only 51 percent capacity because of the drought, unexpectedly revealed a goldmine of a discovery: a literal goldmine that had been underwater since disco pants were the hottest fashion.
The original Michael Jackson was found inside.

Then, of course, you have the beautiful and luscious Folsom Lake in California, which is more like ugly and barren now that it's at 17 percent capacity, looking like a malnourished Chihuahua to the golden retriever of its past. And underneath all that water? An entire abandoned gold rush town, previously known as Mormon Island, that hadn't been seen since the mid-1800s ...

... which leads us to another bizarre side effect of this drought: Prospectors are flocking back to California to look for gold in the newly dry places (hopefully with less slavery and dysentery this time around).

#1. The Fire Is Straight Out of Hell

As we mentioned before, the wildfires in California are really getting out of control now that there's considerably less water to fight them ... but it's one thing to tell you and quite another to show it to you:
"GAH! Kill it with ... wait, fuck, no."

That vision of hell is actually from a video of some guys driving through a normal neighborhood in San Diego, where 9,000 acres have already been gulped down by the insatiable fire. The insane heat from the drought has gotten so bad that even the littlest things can spark a wildfire, like titanium golf clubs swinging against the green. Yes, that's what it's come to, thanks to this drought: Now we have to play golf with regular metal clubs.

Even scarier? Freaking firenadoes:

Sky News
Coming soon to SyFy.

Nope, unfortunately for your peace of mind, "firenado" is not a word we just made up: These are actual tornadoes of fire that were filmed raging around Carlsbad only a couple of weeks ago, which is what happens when God gets a little extra pissed at the masturbators out there.

Fox News
"I give you Rescue Rangers, and you give me Rule 34? Fuck you."

Firenadoes are pretty hard to fight, probably because even a seasoned firefighter would be a little distracted going "HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I LOOKING AT" to aim efficiently. But you know, even if they can't turn them off, they can just wait until the next time it rai- dammit.

The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

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