Let's face it, animals -- if you aren't a shark, bear, wolf, lion, alligator, crocodile, anaconda, cougar, tiger, Komodo dragon, barracuda, cobra, tarantula, tsetse fly, tapeworm, leech, or Portuguese man o' war, chances are us humans will let down our guard and yap at you in silly voices like Doctor Goddamn Dolittle.
But let us not forget -- "wildlife" is called "wildlife" because it's wild, brah. So with that in mind, here are five recent reminders that most, if not all, multicellular organisms would be happier if all humans were dead so they could lick the minerals from our sun-bleached bones.
#5. Peacock Is Too Powerful for Taser
Peacocks are beautiful animals, even if they are competing with the great tit for the naughtiest avian name out there. But a Houston man saw a dark side of the bird when his pet 'cock Meanie grew increasingly hostile toward human women.
"Hey, toots, how about we smush our cloacae together? Yeah, I've been drinking since noon. What's it to you?"
And when a sheriff's deputy came over to investigate complaints of the misogynist peafowl, Meanie brandished his talons and attacked a witness with such ferocity that the cop was forced to Taser the flamboyant beast twice to no effect.
"KING KONG AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!"
And when electricity failed to stop him, his owner sadly put the magnificent creature down with a shotgun, presumably because Meanie was seconds away from turning into some undiscovered species of psychedelic Dark Phoenix.
#4. Escaped Camel Tries to Eat Man's Head
Even though camels have a reputation for regurgitating on people, we usually regard them as trusty beasts of burden. This definitely wasn't the case for a 71-year-old California man who randomly found himself in the cross hairs of a camel who ran away from an exotic animal ranch, presumably because some chiseled, grizzled cowboy kept feeding it cigarettes.
He'd later learn his second hump was cancer.
Upon meeting this new stranger, the camel decided then and there to chew on the guy's head for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The man was lucky to survive this Bizarro World interpretation of Hump Day, and the camel's owner is now in a world of legal shit, because he didn't have the permits to own an even-toed ungulate.
#3. Whale Slaps Woman in the Face
Imagine you're on a whale-watching boat when suddenly a pod of curious and playful gray whales sidles up next to you. What happens next? Does that Michael Jackson song from Free Willy start blaring from the heavens? Do the whales begin shooting rainbows out of their blowholes like a Lisa Frank fever dream?
Well, if you're this Nova Scotia woman visiting Baja California, this happens:
Being Canadian, she immediately drafted a letter of apology to the whale.
That's right: In an effort to engage the happy pixies chirping on the surface, one of these seagoing giants accidentally thwacked the woman hard enough to bruise her shoulder. The real questions now are A) if she's cursed with the mark of the werewhale and B) if her family should invest in a silver harpoon for the next full moon.
#2. Baby Moose Beats the Crap Out of Scientist
Moose aren't charmers, but you expect their wee ones to be at least somewhat polite, right? Well, after fitting a moose calf with a radio collar, a Maine wildlife researcher expected it to caper off and someday be impregnated by Bullwinkle or whatever. Instead, this mooseling did a 180 and promptly kicked the man's ass, twice in one minute.
Note that the moose steamrollered him upon being referred to as a "little girl" and a "mean girl" -- obviously this poor dude's stumbled upon the trigger word from some abandoned CIA project to weaponize the Seattle Mariners' mascot.
#1. Roving Packs of Chihuahuas Terrorize Phoenix
What happens when you cross Alfred Hitchcock with extraordinarily irritating 1990s Taco Bell commercials? You get the dilemma that the city of Phoenix now faces -- that is, packs of eight to 12 football-size animals running rampant through the streets, terrorizing schoolchildren, joggers, and the lawns and shins of the innocent.
"I didn't choose thug life. Thug life chose me."
How bad is it? Animal control authorities received over 6,000 calls about feral Chihuahuas running loose in Phoenix's Maryvale neighborhood in 2013. If there's a silver lining to this veritable Chihuapocalypse, it's that at least they aren't mastiffs.
Aaron Granger is a chemist and writes about science projects in his spare time. He updates his website, (Im)practical Science, roughly whenever.