Before Craigslist, millions of sex-starved people all over the globe aimlessly wandered the Earth, mashing their genitals onto bales of hay or phonographs or whatever antiques they found lying around.
And after the advent of Craigslist, these lost souls finally found their outlet -- a website that allows total strangers to ask other total strangers to massage their prostates with rhubarb stalks. But surprisingly, some Craigslist horndogs are too proud to scream "BANG ME BLUE" from the Internet mountaintops and are resorting to more subtle means to get the sex. For example:
#5. $1 Apartment Requires Nudity, Some Touching
For those readers living in Washington, D.C., you missed out on the bargain of a lifetime this past November: a $1-a-month penthouse apartment. There was a catch, though. Namely, you'd have to be butt-naked the entire time:
Forget it, pants; it's Chinatown.
So how legal is this situation? Dodgy as shit, because when "touching" turns into "daily breakfast goosing," you're skipping into prostitution territory. And even if the nudity stayed innocent, your roommate would probably strut around with an erection all the time, which would be horrible at first but then just a minor household aggravation, like a loose piece of wainscoting.
#4. Woman Seeks Guy Personal Assistant (Dick Pics Accepted)
This past November, a 33-year-old "creative industry professional" in New York City got sick of seeing her male peers hire pencil-skirted ingenues as secretaries. So, she decided to end sexism forever with the following Craigslist job listing:
"The ideal candidate would be like, completely adorable, have some connection to arts/media, be semi-codependent, have an affinity for cool ass bitches in their 30s, common sense, a ready smile, a tender heart, zero sarcasm, and if you secretly believe in God that would be amazing."
Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
"But honestly, after working for me you probably won't."
Except for the monotheism clause and a later stipulation that her assistant wear beanies, it's a pretty boilerplate Craigslist job listing. Then this happens:
"Yeah send me a pic or five, dick pics are ok but one should be of your face :))) por favor"
We're assuming these photos are necessary to prove that you can still use an inkwell in case all your fingers and toes get severed in an industrial accident, right?
#3. Psychic Breast Reading Is a Thing, Apparently
In December, another NYC Craigslist ad showcased a very special offer by a very special man. Several years ago, he had discovered an innate ability to tell a woman's fortune. But unlike traditional palm readers, he must fondle the future out of you.
"Hmmm, I can sense a great feeling of regret in your near-present."
Our paranormal groper poo-poos your skepticism by pointing out that everyone's a skeptic, but he declines to explain why he's offering 90 minutes of awesome supernatural power for exactly $0. Also, we suspect that he might have cribbed his clairvoyance from repeated viewings of Mean Girls.
#2. College Seniors Seek MILF, Will Pay in Sex
Last semester, 10 roommates at the University of Vermont decided that majoring in maple syrup or whatever was leaving precious little time for household chores, so they tapped into their deepest Oedipal desires and sounded the call for a "House MILF" on Craigslist.
With the exception of "MILF," this was actually the original plot for Mr. Belvedere.
It's unknown if these brilliant scholars ever received any applicants who agreed to be paid in coupons for bro penis, but the ad prompted a fruitless investigation by university police. Beware, greater Burlington metro -- you could be living next door to the diabolical brain trust that is MILF House.
#1. Author Requires Female Assistant to Research Erotic Novel
In 2011, non-bestselling author Chad Leslie Peters self-published the non-bestselling book The Affair: A Four Week Experiment in Love, which, much like 99 percent of self-published literature, is erotica.
Chad Leslie Peters
"Self-published? But the cover is so professional."
On the heels of this novel, Peters decided to take literature to the next level with a non-fiction version of The Affair. But first, he had to go to Craigslist -- the place where all sensible citizens go when they get ideas -- and hold a recruitment drive for nubile English majors:
"The book will detail every aspect of a mutually-agreed to romantic affair between myself and a young FEMALE lover (perhaps you), experienced over 30 days, as in the novel. The difference between the first book and this one will be verite: everything in this new volume will be the truth as both participants see it."
So far, the non-fiction remake of The Affair has yet to pop up on his Amazon sales page, so it's safe to assume that Chad was so overwhelmed with responses that he's spending every waking hour boning instead of writing.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.