Tomorrow, America will make a choice: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. At least that's how the media will tell it, but the truth is, you've actually got a lot of options tomorrow, especially if you're hoping to waste your vote on someone who is likely insane. For example ...
#5. Montgomery Blair Sibley, Washington, D.C.: Write-In Candidate
About Montgomery: Monty couldn't be bothered to file paperwork with the FEC, probably because he is very busy filing lawsuits challenging Obama's eligibility to run for president.
Turn-Ons: Telling long-winded tales of his impressive family lineage that somehow led to this bag of human genetics; proving his Scrabble bona fides by repeatedly using the word "quixotic."
Turn-Offs: The term "natural born citizen" as applied to Barack Obama, which is total bullshit.
Why You Should Consider Monty: He retains his principles in the face of adversity. "I was subsequently suspended from the practice of law in three state and thirteen federal courts as a result of my divorce proceedings. Though my suspensions have run, I have chosen not to return to the practice of law as I believe the system is so corrupt and I will not be muzzled by it as a result of being a member of the bar."
Fun Fact: He once argued a case ON THE SAME FLOOR as the John Gotti trial. For real!
#4. Lowell Jackson "Jack" Fellure, Hurricane, West Virginia: The Prohibition Party
About Jack: Jack's been running for president since 1988. Ever the optimist, he knows that one day America will be ready for his sword-wielding, 17th-century-Bible-based form of governance.
Turn-Ons: Capital punishment, King James Bible.
Turn-Offs: "The Liquor Industry," homos, lollygagging prisoners, people who dare mess with the King James Bible.
Why You Should Consider Jack: He's generous! "My Presidential Campaign Platform is the Authorized 1611 King James Bible. God Almighty wrote that Book as the supreme constitution and absolute authority in the affairs of all men for all time and eternity. It shall never be necessary to change it. Quality leather bound copies of this Bible have been sent to the Presidential Office, the Supreme Court, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the National Republican Party, the National Democratic Party, and the Federal Election Commission."
Fun Fact: Jack will burn holes in your skull with his eyes and fucking slice you from stem to stern on a whim. Especially if you tinker with the King James Bible.
#3. Rick Rogers, Mill Creek, Washington: Conservative-Independent Candidate
About Rick: After many JPGs of text decrying the corruption and ineffectiveness of both major parties, Rick reveals his true agenda in the "Election Assessment and Prediction" -- using the old Rick Rogers magic to throw the race for Romney. "There's only one sure thing. Without me, President Obama likely wins. So, let's execute my plan and stop him."
Turn-Ons: "The right amount of government correctly applied."
Turn-Offs: Progressive-socialist takeover of America, other third party/miscellaneous candidates, aka "rejects and retreads from the major parties."
Why You Should Consider Rick: In the freaky occurrence that he wins, Rick will be a benevolent victor. "I will offer Governor Romney & Congressman Ryan a place in my administration to help achieve some of the things they want to do for America. Many of my plans are similar to theirs except mine are better."
Fun Fact: Rick is on approved vacation time through the election.
#2. Jill Reed, Casper, Wyoming: Twelve Visions Party
About Jill: Jill and her Twelve Visions Party have got it figured out. Register some trademarks, snag the presidency, then charge the government licensing fees for its requisite use of your registered trademarks. Prosperity Option indeed!
Turn-Ons: Prosperity and happiness, unlike all those other sourpuss candidates.
Turn-Offs: The Rule of Man.
Why You Should Consider Jill: Voting for "The Red-Headed Tax Cutter" and her Twelve Visions is hella cheaper than a seminar at the airport Marriott.
Vision One: Become the Person You Were Meant to Be
Vision Two: Live the Life You Were Meant to Live
Vision Three: Feel Extraordinary Every Day
Vision Four: Slow Down Aging Permanently
Vision Five: Land the Job of Your Passions
Vision Six: Build the Business of Your Passions
Vision Seven: Experience the Love of Your Life
Vision Eight: Have the Body You Always Envied
Vision Nine: Become a Genius of Society
Vision Ten: Have Everything You Ever Wanted
Vision Eleven: Ride a Prosperity Wave to Riches
Vision Twelve: Enjoy Nearly Perfect Health
Fun Fact: Jill was busy campaigning even through the Halloween holiday. Says commenter Cody: "Personally I find it disturbing that you put this crap in my childs candy on halloween...he is 5.. He cannot vote. I threw the candy away, because I wasn't sure if it was poisoned or not. I also will be going back to the house that gave it to him. leave your socialist bullshit to yourself."
#1. Nelson Keyton, Roanoke, Virginia: Write-In Candidate
About Nelson: Nelson's a Big Ideas man. Beyond his support for silver- and gold-backed currency, he doesn't really get into any niggling details about how he would govern. But, really, who needs details when this is on the menu: "Wtih his understanding of the universe and it's principals Nelson Keyton can pull you into his world of safety and serenity."
Turn-Ons: Nelson Keyton.
Turn-Offs: Stupid dum-dums who have been running the show in this country the last 200-plus years.
Why You Should Consider Nelson: He is "a dim wick," "a bruised reed." "THIS SITE IS SET UP FOR WRITE IN CANDIDATE NELSON KEYTON...THE ONLY MAN IN EXISTENCE WHO CAN BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE THROUGH OVERWHELMING STRENGTH AND KNOWLEDGE...AN ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE WHO HAS STUDIED, RESEARCHED, AND IS READY TO IMPLIMENT THE TRUE WAY OF PEACE ON EARTH...A DIM WICK, WHO WILL NOT BE SNUFFED OUT...A BRUISED REED, WHO WILL NOT BE CRUSHED , UNTIL HE HAS ESTABLISHED THE TRUE WAY ON EARTH . WITH AN IQ OF OVER ( 200), NO PRESIDENT OR CANDIDATE CAN MATCH HIS KNOWLEDGE ON SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY, OR ALMOST ANY OTHER SUBJECT....."
Fun Fact: Comments are disabled on the "What Do You Want Me To Do As President?" section of his website. Psych!