#2. A Bridge Did Not Collapse Under the Weight of Love Locks
In what was a tragic affirmation to the musical styles of Nazareth, the Washington Post, Guardian, Telegraph, Independent, NBC, and Mashable all shared the burden of reporting a Paris bridge collapsing under the weight of its own "love locks" -- which are padlocks left latched to the railing by lovers.
This is analogous to Italy's Tree of Used Condoms.
Yes, that's what this world has come to: Those dang unruly teenagers with their Twilight movies, Miley Cyrus music, and public make-out sessions have finally gone too far and caused some irreparable damage. But did the whole bridge collapse, like the first headline implies, or just part of it? How bad is the damage? What's the body count? Well, let's look up a photo of the disaster area and find out ...
People started leaving "Never forget" cards on the board, and it promptly collapsed again.
So, let's get this straight: The chain link on a small section of a very large bridge collapsed temporarily ... and that made international news? While atrocities like bloody revolutions and World Cups are going on? Huff Post even went so far as to highlight the bridge's evacuation, like there was an impending domino effect that would end in mass chaos and not just a routine security measure lifted the following day. Hell, you can clearly see that the railing didn't even completely collapse, making every aspect of this story a hyperbolic mess.
Of course, this just means that when a whole bridge in Paris does fall down, the media is gonna paint it as the entire city breaking off and drifting into space. Keep that in mind for a future sequel to this article.
#1. A Zookeeper Didn't Accidentally Shoot a Man in a Gorilla Suit
We like to point out how mind-blowingly little effort it takes to "crack" these supposedly real stories with maverick skills we call "reading the entire article" and "just looking stuff up online." The following doesn't even qualify for either, because anyone reading the headline should have instantly called shenanigans on this shit:
OK, so dolphin = handie, gorilla = tranq.
You can almost picture the hilarity as the man wearing the monkey suit (no doubt as part of a scheme to get his children back) went cross-eyed, while the Kevin James-esque zookeeper flinched sorrowfully before getting himself in the foot with a second dart and falling over. If you're wondering if any part of this story is true: A zoo vet did in fact shoot a dart, and that dart did hit another employee during an escape drill ... and that's the extent of what actually happened. No one was wearing a gorilla suit (or any type of animal costume), despite what the graphics for these stories would have you believe.
At least they had the decency to admit that the photo was from some other bullshit gorilla suit story.
The original story, according to local officials, in no way involved a gorilla suit or the vet not realizing the drill was fake -- that was added later by an unspecified "source," or "liar," that has since been reported by Time, Huffington Post, Boston.com, Gawker, NY Post, Independent, Daily News, Daily Mail, Telegraph, and Metro. On the plus side, it's cynically comforting to know exactly which news organizations will blindly report what is essentially a Pink Panther bit -- albeit disturbing to realize the answer is "all of them."