#2. Shockingly, Denmark's Nude CrossFit Classes Were a Joke
CrossFit has always been seen as a somehow less "manly" alternative to traditional workout routines, as evidenced by the predictable autocomplete result when you type "CrossFit is ..." on Google. Rather than avoiding the stereotype, a gym in Denmark decided to go all-out and embrace it by hosting all-nude, all-dude CrossFit classes:
You need to give us a minute, as the amount of ball jokes in our brain has us overwhelmed.
Holy smoked ham, that room must have a funk in the air! According to Cosmopolitan, Metro, and Huff Post, the special workout was inspired by the olden days, when Spartans did jumping squats to the sounds of rhythmic flapping, and bench presses involved seeing an anus up close.
Good thing they're wearing shoes. No one wants to step in a puddle of taint sweat.
The pictures of men spotting each other's asses were so overtly daffy that it's a wonder this isn't just some late April Fools' joke being played on the world. What's that? That's exactly what this is? Huh.
It all started on April 1 when a gym called Spartan Mentality posted a joke about nude classes on their site. The story remained a hilarious prank for almost two months, until a blog called the Gaily Grind picked up and ran with those balls, consequently re-April Foolsing everyone into thinking a bare-assed gym photograph from a random blog was a suitable starting point for a news article.
The hoax was so successful that the gym actually did host naked classes for a while, but then stopped because it was getting "a little too comical." Yeah, we're guessing the nudists/CrossFit fanatics Venn diagram doesn't exactly include the most impressive human specimens ever.
#1. An Iranian Actress Isn't Going to Get Publicly Flogged for a Kiss
Straight from the desk of "things that sound like something Iran would do, but we're not sure because we don't know anything about Iran," the Telegraph, Daily Mail, and Daily Beast, among others, have reported that the Iranian actress from A Separation has been condemned to a flogging for kissing the Cannes festival president on the cheek, something that's apparently a big no-no over there. And it's not just a regular flogging: It's gonna be a public one, too.
"Kids get in free!"
Note that the headlines say she "faces flogging" and is "to be flogged," as opposed to "definitely won't be flogged just because someone said she should be" ... which is what's actually happening here. The call for flogging came from a small group of conservative students protesting the kiss -- to put it in perspective, this is like running an article titled "CANADA TO EXECUTE MEMBERS OF NICKELBACK" because someone saw the comments they get on YouTube.
It's true that Iranian political figures condemned the kiss, but that's mostly for show: They know women kiss men on the cheek every day, and they don't give a shit. When the kiss is on TV, though, they have to say something or risk losing the crazy-pants sector of their constituents.
Kissing Willem Dafoe, on the other hand, really is a punishable offense in most of the world.
Hell, we doubt the students themselves have any real hope of this happening. In other words, this was an empty threat by a gaggle of nut jobs that no one would possibly take seriously.
Um, except for all of the media, of course.