#2. There Are Now Social Networks for Small Children
Actively encouraging those under 13 to join social networks is a line even Facebook wouldn't cross, since protecting children online is very difficult. Well, good news, pedophiles and unscrupulous advertisers: That hasn't stopped a variety of other companies from trying to lure preteens in what one entrepreneur called the "biggest opportunity out there at the moment."
We can only assume this is what he looked like while saying that.
Social networks for children are popping up everywhere, usually attached to a product, like Disney's Club Penguin or PopJam, a junior version of Instagram backed by the popular toy line Moshi Monsters. Now, instead of hanging their pictures on the refrigerator, children can post them online. Instead of limiting bullying to the halls of middle schools, it can move online as well. But don't worry: Kids aren't allowed to post real pictures of themselves ... unless "features are obscured with virtual stickers, such as sunglasses," because then they are completely unrecognizable.
"The beard is fake. The eyes are a medical condition."
PopJam is already a hit in the U.K., and the company is hoping to get American kids hooked up on this shit, too. And just like it took years to come to the conclusion that selling cigarettes to children using a cartoon camel was maybe a bit unethical, one day we might look back and think that associating social media with spending money at a young age was a bad idea.
Also, pedophiles. That really cannot be mentioned enough.
#1. SocialRadar Lets You Know Just How Many Feet You Are From a Person (You're Stalking)
Have you ever walked into a room and thought, "I wish everyone in here could know everything about me without me having to say a word"? If so, learn how to participate in small talk, introvert. Or, get this unbelievably creepy new app.
"This is the greatest party I've ever been to."
The goal behind SocialRadar (stalking) is to better facilitate networking (and stalking), as well as remind you of significant events in people's lives when you meet them (also, so much stalking). The concept of the app is to alert you to the things you have in common with strangers within a certain area, as well as the information of people you already know. No more forgetting names or birthdays or where your ex-girlfriend moved after she filed that restraining order!
Browse your date's Stormfront posts as you wait for the entrees!
Note that the picture above specifically points out that users can be anonymous while still using the program, which means your Reddit nemesis could sneak up on you at a restaurant and try to rekindle that Goku vs. Superman debate while you attempt to explain to your in-laws that you don't know this man. On the upside, once everyone's profiles are hovering in the air next to their real faces, it's gonna be a lot harder to Catfish people, so we'd start picking a less misleading profile photo right now, everyone.