4 Ways the New Godzilla Movie Ripped Off the Crappy '98 Flop

#2. The Military Is Hilariously Reckless

1998's Godzilla: Soundtrack by Puff Daddy showed us a military that operated with the vaudevillian precision of a Marx brothers skit as they blasted apart the New York skyline rather than see it destroyed by a giant lizard. Luckily they thought to evacuate Manhattan before going sickhouse, unlike the military in 2014's Godzilla, which waits until the last second to evacuate San Francisco's civilian population, leaving thousands of people stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge when Godzilla finally shows up. (It is important to note that it is the military, not Godzilla, that manages to destroy the Golden Gate Bridge and kill countless civilians.)

Warner Bros.
"Oops."

As we mentioned above, maximizing the civilian body count seems to be the cornerstone of the army's strategy in both films. In 1998's Godzilla, they set a trap for the herculean beast in the middle of New York City. In the 2014 version, they put a nuclear bomb on a train (which is bait for the monsters, because for some reason they eat radiation and everyone at the scriptwriting meeting thought this made perfect sense) that drives straight through the state of California and the densely populated city of San Francisco. They also continuously forget about the monsters' ability to generate EMP blasts that destroy their planes and helicopters, because they keep sending planes and helicopters to attack the monsters in every single encounter (not to mention the fact that the military has ways of defending against EMP blasts in the event of a nuclear detonation by using something called a Faraday cage, which this movie completely ignores).

Both films end with a race against time as the military plans to nuke an entire American city to eradicate monsters that were birthed from atomic fire.

#1. It Might Actually Do Worse at the Box Office

"Now hang on, Cracked," you might be saying. "While I cannot disagree with anything you've said so far, you can't deny that the new film killed it at the box office, while its 1998 counterpart was a famous flop." Well, by all indications, the new film is on course to do pretty much the exact same numbers as that festering pile of radioactive lizard shit from 16 years ago.

TriStar Pictures
"We had this. What's your excuse?"

Check this out: Adjusting for inflation, the Matthew Broderick version grossed roughly $125 million in its first six days of release, during a time when there were no bullshit 3D or IMAX showings driving up sales. That's exactly on par with the 2014 film, except the box office gross for new Godzilla has actually dipped 67 percent in its second weekend on account of poor word of mouth -- a drop 10 percent worse than that of the 1998 version, which featured Italian stereotypes screaming the word "retard" at each other.

On top of that, Roland Emmerich's Godzilla had a production budget of $130 million, whereas its updated counterpart cost a melon-farming $300 million to produce, market, and distribute -- an amount that will require a gross of $600 million just to break even. As we've previously discussed, 1998's Godzilla managed to earn a tiny profit that wasn't enough to keep Sony from scrapping its plans for a trilogy and sitting on the film rights until they expired. So unless the remake does a historic amount of business overseas, we may see yet another American Godzilla remake two decades from now.

Toho Co., Ltd.
Pleasepleasepleaseplease.

But hey -- there's always home video sales, something that totally hasn't been on a rapid decline since the 1990s ... right?

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