The trailer for Twilight fan fiction turned inexplicable best-selling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey debuted recently, treating us all to a glimpse of a world populated by frumpy secretaries and the Picasso-faced businessmen who have sex with them.
But because the novel, at its core, is terrible, and because Hollywood has no idea how to handle any exploration of sex that doesn't conform to a very specific road map of male domination and plot cliches, this movie isn't even going to provide the trashy fun that made the book a success in the first place.
#4. The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)
You'd think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there's no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There's a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn't like the script, and he starred in last year's Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes.
Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, "I really can't do this."
"I just thought it."
So who the hell is writing this thing anyway? Well, Kelly Marcel first adapted the novel into a screenplay, but her draft apparently wasn't quite right for the studio, so they called in Mark Bomback to clean it up. Bomback's recent writing credits include The Wolverine, the remake of Total Recall, and Live Free or Die Hard -- movies universally considered to contain some of the shittiest writing this generation of filmmakers has yet produced.
Considering some of the lines from the original book, we can't imagine what sorcery they expected that man to perform to make the film's dialogue sound any less ridiculous:
"Why is anyone the way they are? That's kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?"
"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
We're not sure if that line is worse if uttered during a literal dance or a sexual one.
At one point, the female lead, Anastasia Steele, is tied to a bed and admires the handiwork of the knots, because that's something a normal person does.
"Some boy scout he must have been to learn these knots."
We suddenly totally understand why Charlie Hunnam, after already being hired for the movie, walked out after finally reading the script.
#3. The Male Lead Is So Boring, Nobody Wanted to Play Him
Christian Grey, the lead male character, is best described as an impossibly rich white man with a helicopter who "knows what he wants and gets it," which in this case is punishing sex with subservient women. So basically, he's a dick on a magic broom.
"Do you have any interests outside of work?"
"No. That would suggest a fully formed character."
His penis is the only unique personality trait he has, which probably explains why no one wants to play him. Ryan Gosling was the original choice, but he turned the script down (presumably because Grey speaks more than 15 sentences, which is something Ryan Gosling cannot abide). Secondary choice Christian Cooke also declined. Garett Hedlund said he "couldn't connect with the character," and that's harsh criticism coming from the star of Tron: Legacy.
Connecting with horrifying CG Jeff Bridges was a more appealing job than this movie.
Then, after Charlie Hunnam backed out, citing some bullshit excuse about his Sons of Anarchy television schedule (which the studio must have been aware of when they initially hired him), they finally settled for the guy who played the sheriff on one season of Once Upon a Time, because signing up for a prospective trilogy about a magically rich piece of Wonder bread with the physique of a Greek statue is a smart move for an actor whose primary talent is his ability to appear shirtless on screen.