We'd like to think that most folks have enough common sense to keep themselves from getting hurt in ridiculously stupid ways. Yet in the time it took you to read the prior sentence, somebody out there definitely just got their head stuck in a document mailing tube.
And because of humanity's penchant for courting grievous injuries like a goddamn Laurel and Hardy routine, we've recently seen a rise in public safety initiatives alerting people to the dangers of doing things that are so obviously idiotic, we are amazed there are any habitual offenders left to warn.
#4. British Transport Uses Your Drunk Bloopers for Safety Ads
The U.K. is no stranger to tavern-goers stumbling about besotted on tankards of mead (or whatever fantasy potions they serve in the British Isles). But lately, the problem of inebriates staggering in front of subway trains appears to be on the rise. That's why Network Rail has launched a new campaign to encourage rigorously bombed passengers to try to make it home in one piece by delivering a highlight reel of a bunch of drunks nearly getting killed.
If "Yakety Sax" isn't playing in your head right now, you don't deserve to have the Internet.
Because apparently people need a public service announcement to tell them not to try to kick pigeons resting at the edge of the platform. And while it's certainly fun to watch, we're not exactly sure how an educational video will prevent the stupefyingly shithoused from losing their balance and falling down an escalator.
And who wouldn't want this to happen?
#3. The U.S. Transportation Department Spends $2 Million to Teach Everyone How to Walk Again
2009 saw a sudden leap in pedestrians getting hit by cars on the road, despite the fact that every single one of us had parents who told us to look both ways before dancing out into the street like a Rescue 911 vignette. The number of accidents continued to rise, suspiciously coinciding with the growing popularity of smartphone use.
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Scientists continue to debate whether or not this constitutes a "problem."
The subtlety was not lost on the U.S. Department of Transportation, so in response they are doling out $2 million in federal grants to various cities for a nationwide campaign against "distracted walking," more commonly known as "weeding out those who are too stupid to live."
#2. A Website Is Devoted to Stopping the Increase in Butt-Injection-Related Deaths
There has been a marked increase in the number of silicone-butt-injection-related deaths across the U.S., because people with disposable income tend to do stupid fucking things with it.
Essentially, the practice involves young women scouring Internet message boards for "injectors" to come to their home/hotel room and inflate their asses with jellied plastic. The problem is, having a river of silicone injected into your body by a person who has absolutely no idea what they are doing is actually pretty bad for you -- it will drift into other areas of your body (like your legs) and cause blood clots. The results are infection, amputation, and death, three things that will not get your ass a fish-eye shot in a rap video.
Not even if Lil' Wayne is directing.
The problem is rampant enough to necessitate its own support Web page, created by a botched-butt-injection survivor, advocating injection prevention and encouraging women to take the safe route of ass inflation. (That was one of the most ridiculous sentences ever constructed.) While we generally don't condone making fun of people who legitimately need help, it shouldn't take an advanced understanding of medical biology to realize that you can't simply inflate areas of your body like a bicycle tire.
#1. Fire Departments Issue Statements Warning People of the Dangers of Shoving Their Genitals into Things
Fifty Shades of Grey is Harry Potter for people who like to masturbate to words. Since the book's 2011 release, people have been trying to act out its various scenes of sadomasochism, to the delight of emergency responders around the world.
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You'd be surprised at how many ways this stuff can put you in a hospital.
Just recently, the London Fire Brigade issued a warning specifically addressing the rise of handcuff-related calls since the book came out, even starting a Twitter campaign entitled "Fifty Shades of Red" to highlight the numerous humiliating acts they've had to rescue people from. Along with people trapped in handcuffs, they've had to rescue men with their penises stuck in various rings and in one case an electric toaster, because reading is magic.
Firefighters in Ottawa, Canada, are also having trouble with Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired penile adventurism, including one man who got his penis jammed in a wrench. This seems to suggest that public education can only go so far before nature just steps in and takes its course. We can't wait to see what happens when the movie comes out next year.
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These books are to sex what dubstep is to music.