While the average person may watch maybe 25 minutes of a given news channel per day, some of those networks are on 24/7 and have to constantly come up with programming to keep their impossible dream of around-the-clock reporting afloat. It can be a daunting task, which is why it quickly becomes hilariously apparent when the news has absolutely nothing left to talk about.
#4. News Station Bases Entire Report on a Facebook Post ... About a Fake Monster
A local news station in Cuba, New Mexico, recently spent two entire minutes talking about a blurry photograph of a carnival monster that had reportedly been seen wandering around the open highway, because there was quite literally nothing else going on in Cuba, New Mexico, that day.
"They say the beast strikes at victims with a combination of Pilates and yoga."
Because the "sighting" was based entirely on a single anonymous Facebook post without any details, the crackerjack news team did its best to inflate the narrative into something that would fill enough time on the evening report, including detailed maps of the monster's alleged prowling zone and an explanation of the term "skinwalker," an in-no-way-nonsense word that Internet commenters decided was the only possible explanation for the photograph. Except, of course, for a screenshot from the film Xtro, which was exactly what it was:
"Hey, maybe we should double check that segment about the farmer being attacked and killed by tomatoes."
Evidently the Cuba, New Mexico, news team were at enough of a loss for things to do to allow them to build an entire report about some dumbass Facebook user posting a picture from a 31-year-old monster movie but were just busy enough not to bother with a Google image search.
#3. Reporter Interviews a Man Named "Snow" ... About Snow
We can safely say, without hyperbole, that 2014 has perhaps unleashed more snow than has ever fallen in the history of the world. Unfortunately for newscasters, as significant as the weather may be, there's not really much to say about it other than pointing out that it is currently occurring outside your window. So one NBC affiliate in Philadelphia, desperate to run a story that had anything whatsoever to do with the raging winter precipitation, tracked down a man named Snow in Spanish to interview him about the weather, as if he were an ice-hearted warlock that was somehow responsible.
"Just say anything. Anything at all. We're even good with just fart noises."
#2. CNN Talks About Missing Plane ... Using Toy Planes
The story of missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 is an ongoing tragedy that as of this writing has yet to be resolved. That said, CNN has been diligently keeping us updated on the lack of updates with the use of model airliners designed to help us all visualize what an airplane looks like:
Wolf Blitzer was out of frame making *FWOOSH* sound effects for added accuracy.
Yes, because there is literally nothing left to say about flight MH370 that hasn't already been said, CNN is having its anchors try to guess what happened to it while making vague gestures at a toy. Otherwise they would be forced to admit what a terrible, stupid idea 24-hour news coverage is.
#1. News Team Investigates School Shooting ... by Interviewing a Student Who Knows Nothing About It
When a student from Topeka West High School in Kansas was arrested in January for plotting a mass shooting, a local news affiliate rushed over to get breaking firsthand coverage. Unfortunately for their Pulitzer prospects, the only person who would deign to speak to them was the one student who A) knew absolutely nothing about the incident and B) was apparently well into training for the "Highest Man in the Universe" competition.
"Wow, man, like, killing people is heavy." -actual quote
But they were so strapped for things to air that they ran that interview anyway. Guys, maybe just cut to a studio segment where the anchors tell us about the shooting while pointing at a school made of LEGOs.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.