No one can deny that teaching is a difficult job with little in the way of tangible rewards. Some educators rise beautifully to the challenge and enrich their students' lives, while others attempt to enrich their students' lives and fail spectacularly. For every Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver, there is an Ernie Hudson in The Substitute. Here are sterling examples of that second type.
#4. Middle School Coach Insists on Taking His Students to Hooters
An Oregon football coach decided to take his team out for a celebratory end-of-season dinner at everyone's favorite PG-13 gentlemen's club, Hooters. This sounds like standard practice for a group of AXE-misted young men and an aged, married chaperone caught in the violent throes of a midlife crisis, until we specify that he was a coach for a middle school football team, and his players were all 12 years old. Complaints from several parents of the players, as well as a warning from the school district's athletic director, could not dissuade the coach -- those goddamn kids were going to goddamn Hooters whether they liked it or not.
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In his defense, it was half price wings night.
After numerous efforts to convince him to move the celebration to literally any other restaurant (preferably one where the menu consists of more than breasts, alcohol, and shitty bar food), the coach was fired.
#3. A Sixth Grade Teacher Shows His Students Saw for No Reason
A sixth grade math teacher in France decided for some inexplicable reason that he would enrich his students' lives by gathering them around the battered old A/V cart for a spirited viewing of Saw, which as some of you may remember is a movie about people being forced to torture themselves to death that has absolutely nothing to do with math. According to his students, the only context he provided before starting the film was announcing "Today I'm going to show you your first horror movie."
The class breathed a sigh of relief when they realized it wasn't After Earth.
The teacher was suspended for a day, and the school is deciding upon a proper punishment, which will presumably involve someone forcing him to watch the entire High School Musical trilogy, A Clockwork Orange style.
#2. A Biology Teacher Has Students Draw Their Blood Using the Same Needle
One North Carolina teacher recently came up with an interesting assignment for her honors biology class -- have the students prick their fingers with needles to test their blood type (this also happens to be the first stage of the Summoning Ritual of the Ram-Horned Dark Baron of Science, although the complete incantation is typically saved for the spring semester).
"It's cool; I saw this in a documentary."
However, the blood-testing kit only came with enough needles for one class, so the teacher figured that meant she was supposed to just rinse them off and reuse them, because she apparently skipped several important lectures on the road to her teaching degree. One of the students mentioned this staggering failure of basic medical waste-handling knowledge to their parents, and the teacher was fired.
#1. A Substitute Teacher ODs on Heroin in Class
Last month, a substitute art teacher took a small break in the middle of the day from whatever it is art teachers do that requires a break. When he came back to the classroom, he sat down and passed right the hell out at his desk, because doing heroin on school property is hard work.
Neither Tom Berenger nor Treat Williams would tolerate such shenanigans.
A school resource officer and a handful of administrators were finally able to shake the sub back from the land of the sleeping dragons and discovered four packets of heroin in his pocket, which for all you non-heroin users out there is a fucking lot of heroin. He was arrested, although admittedly he did manage to provide one of the best lessons any high school art class has ever been taught.
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