4 Signs the Power Rangers Movie Will Be Goddamn Insane

#2. The Monsters

The monsters in Power Rangers all look like costumes GWAR would wear if they wanted to make absolutely sure nobody ever bought their records. Each appears to have been created by a serial killer in a timed challenge, including but by no means limited to Terror Toad, a giant toad that ate the Power Rangers and then somehow printed their faces on his stomach ...

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"If you're anything like the last green guy that tried to eat me, you'll fail, too." -Pink Ranger

... Mr. Ticklesneezer, a donkey-faced abomination inexplicably dressed like a war correspondent from the Swiss Alps ...

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... and Pumpkin Rapper, a dancing pumpkin man whom we can assume was given one extra "P" at the last minute to make him slightly less terrifying:

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There was also Commander Crayfish and his team of evil doppelganger Power Rangers, Hatchasaurus and its talking computer heart, and Polluticorn, a pollution-obsessed unicorn who was admittedly metal as fuck.

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"You'll pay for this, Captain Pla- shit, wrong show. Sorry."

Putting any of those monsters into a movie not specifically designed to see how loud an audience can boo would arguably be the boldest decision in cinematic history.

#1. There's a Terrifying Implied Backstory

OK, so in that first Power Rangers episode, Queen Rita's escape and subsequent attack on Earth provokes tube-faced ethereal commander Zordon to send his effeminate sidekick Alpha 5 to locate "five overbearing and overemotional humans," to which Alpha 5 immediately responds, "Not teenagers! I was afraid of that!"

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"Please, Zordon ... I can still hear their screams."

In other words, this isn't the first time he's been told to wrangle teenagers for Zordon. Just how many moody high school students has Zordon burned through in his intergalactic defense league? Hell, Alpha 5's name tells us he is the fifth in a series of robot servants -- we actually see Alpha 4 entombed in a cardboard box and a death shroud of cobwebs:

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Pictured: The "Peace Conference" Trini and Zach went to.

There's probably a box full of teenager bones somewhere in Zordon's attic. With any luck, we'll get to see that box in this big-budget reboot, because that's the Power Rangers movie we deserve. And not that Turbo bullshit.

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