4 Signs the Power Rangers Movie Will Be Goddamn Insane

In a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Lionsgate has announced plans to reboot the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers with what will no doubt be an origin movie preceding two other films, followed by a second reboot trilogy.

As anyone who has watched the Frankensteined first season of the original Power Rangers can tell you, the story is at best "unintelligible" and at worst "the deathbed ramblings of an LSD test subject." Attempting to adapt even a fraction of that mescaline-laced rubber-suited pop-up book into a cohesive modern action film will be nothing short of a hero's trial.

#4. The Training Montage Was Suspiciously Nonexistent

No superhero origin is complete without spending 45 minutes watching the lead characters struggle to embrace their cosmic new abilities with a joyous amount of wry chuckle-fishing slapstick.

However, the first episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers knew this was a heaping mountain of time-wasting moon shit that could be better spent selling action figures to children, so they completely skipped over it. The Power Rangers go from angsty teens to karate-helmet robot dinosaur lords in an afternoon.

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"But I don't even know martial arts like Jason or Trini."
"We've seen you playing Street Fighter at the juice bar. That's good enough."

After getting their "power coins" 10 minutes into the first episode, the Power Rangers initially refuse to become heroes, but manage to completely change their minds, accept the mantle of intergalactic justice, and master both the piloting of their dinosaur-shaped mechanical skyscrapers and the elaborate transformation sequence required to form them all together into an even gianter robo-titan in exactly five minutes of episode time.

#3. The Villain's Origin Story Is Completely Batshit

Queen Rita, the Power Rangers' iconic villainess, was actually nothing more than footage of a character from a completely different Japanese television show with all of her dialogue dubbed into English. So we're already working with the storytelling pedigree of a beer commercial.

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"So I was watching The Wizard of Oz while coked off my ass, and just hear me out on this ..."

The backstory the "writers" of Power Rangers managed to assemble for Queen Rita in that first episode consisted of her being locked in a "space dumpster" for 10,000 years before being accidentally set free by a couple of American astronauts. Immediately after being released, Rita vows to destroy the nearest planet in celebration, a task she chooses to accomplish with the cunning use of giant monsters. So, we can look forward to seeing what a $200 million budget can do to a space dumpster on the big screen.

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