Please stop doing this.
We're begging you, for your own sake: Stop taking "selfie" photos of your stupid face while in the middle of situations in which it could ruin your life and/or freaking kill you. Because that is going to happen -- somebody is going to die, and then it won't be funny anymore. But until then, all we can do is continue to mercilessly mock those who can't resist documenting every single goddamned moment of their lives, regardless of their current circumstances.
#4. Man Takes Selfie During Bull Run
Take a good look at that photo, because when textbooks write about this era centuries from now, that's the only photo they'll include. It pretty much summarizes the whole affair.
That is a man known only by the name of Christian taking part in the Houston Bull Run last week, in which residents full of Texan adrenaline and/or moonshine ran away from a pack of angry bulls, Pamplona-style. And as you can see, instead of just running away like any mild simpleton, Christian recorded the entire thing by holding a camera up to his face.
Add vertical video to his list of terrible life choices.
We would like to reach out to this young fellow and ask him to think about what image this projects to prospective employers or his future children. But honestly, we're thinking this isn't the type of person to think very far into the future. And the video has 150,000 streams already!
#3. Prisoner Secretly Growing Weed in His Cell Takes Selfie With the Weed
"Damn it; this was only meant for my prison-husband to see."
Look, in real life criminals aren't masterminds. That's why they're criminals. For instance, in the case of Marcin Zendarski -- a prisoner in Garsten jail, Upper Austria -- he was clever enough to get a whole clandestine weed-growing operation going on inside the prison. That can't be easy, right? You'd like to think that a guy with such forethought and organization might even have some valuable skills to offer the outside world.
But then that other part of his brain kicks in, the part that keeps him a criminal -- Zendarski promptly ratted himself out by taking a selfie with the weed and posting it online (because yes, along with having the light and water to grow pot, they also have Facebook access). The guards -- who were presumably his Facebook friends, because what the fuck else are these Austrian guards doing -- saw Zendarski's picture and quickly shut down his operation. And we don't doubt that, right now, Zendarski is in a cell, shaking his head and thinking, "But where did I go wrong?"
#2. Soccer Player Posts Selfie With Special Car-Selfie Apparatus
"Narcissity is the mother of douchevention."
See, this is the kind of dilemma that goes through the mind of a dedicated selfie addict. "I want to recklessly take a selfie while I'm driving, but the inherent limitations of the medium mean I'll only be preserving my big stupid face for posterity, and not my awesome car. If only there was some way I could take a zoomed-out selfie ..."
And thus high-profile Australian soccer player Billie Smedts decided last December to create a special wide-angle selfie apparatus by tying his camera to the end of a pole. Then he tested it out from behind the wheel of his car. Looks great, Billie! We mean, what else are you going to do if you want a photo of yourself from a short distance away? Hand the camera to another person? Come on, you know the kind of dude who invents a special selfie-pole doesn't have any friends.
#1. People Love Taking Selfies During Plane Crashes
"Please make sure you secure your vanity before helping others."
Last week, a flight from Washington, D.C. to Boston started filling up with smoke, which is one of the three or four worst things that can happen when your vehicle is whooshing along thousands of feet in the air. The oxygen masks popped out of the overhead compartments; the captain tried to calm everyone and told them they were going to make an emergency landing. Basically it was every flyer's nightmare scenario. And of course this seemed like the perfect situation for Shashi Bellamkonda, a Georgetown University professor, to snap a nice selfie just in case he ever forgets that day.
But while that plane landed safely on the ground, the same can't be said for the flight of certain selfie-enthusiast Ferdinand Puentes, who, after having his Hawaiian plane crash into the middle of the ocean, made certain to keep his priorities in order by taking a selfie as he floated adrift with the sinking plane in the background. It wasn't a serious crash or anything -- "only" one passenger died.
Actually, forget the bull thing earlier -- this will be the photo all of us should be remembered by:
"Debate still rages among historical scholars as to whether his denial of filter use is true."
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
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