#2. Falconman Has the Greatest Merchandise of All Time
Most superhero blockbusters are content to slap their do-gooders on shirts that will inevitably be resold to a shaved-ice vendor in Sierra Leone or some factory-farmed gristle discs. But not Falconman. His slogan, "Luxury Meets Justice," signals that these moviemakers are shooting for a more discerning clientele, one who has the disposable scratch for Falconman brand bikinis, virtual reality games, vodka, and motorcycle helmets with beaks crudely Photoshopped onto them.
"But can we do finger puppets?"
The merch section of Falconman's website also boasts schematics for a separate helmet equipped with knives, rockets, and lasers, although we suspect this might be misplaced concept art.
"It's no accident. Switchblade helmet's going to win us all the Pentagon contracts."
Finally, the Falconman franchise relies on "breakthrough performances for sons and daughters of [...] celebrities, in order to have their parent's famous family name on the movie" and each subsequent sequel focuses on such "mega-sports" as cricket and tennis. So gird your loins for Falconman XXXIX, when Blue Ivy Carter is forced to assume the Falcon-mantle at a mahjong tournament after her mentor dies of avian gonorrhea.
#1. Falconman Is So Great We Will Never See It
Falconman first came to our attention last year, when Cracked writer Maxwell Yezpitelok noticed Van Damme was posting (and deleting) masterful Photoshops on Facebook -- namely, posters for Falconman and TrIIIple Impact, a sequel to 1991's Double Impact starring a trio of bedraggled Van Dammes "that the audience will have a great time watching."
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Yes, it was essential we posted both versions.
This was last summer. Since then, it seems that TrIIIple Impact has metamorphosed into Falconman. For example, FashionTV -- the satellite TV channel making Falconman -- had Van Damme in Hong Kong promoting a movie called Luxury Meets Justice, whose plot sounds exactly like that of Falconman. And when you go to FashionTV's website for Luxury Meets Justice, it uses the same haggard photo of Van Damme from those magnificent TrIIIple Impact posters. Finally, that page in turn links out to the website www.LuxuryMeetsJustice.com, which redirects to the Falconman website. In other words, it is within the realm of speculation that Falconman, Luxury Meets Justice, and TrIIIple Impact will all be the same movie.
It is impossible to improve on a masterpiece.
To make matters more confusing, it's unclear if the Muscles from Brussels is even in Falconman at this point. Despite having his mug plastered all over the posters, even at Falconman's recent Cannes party, Van Damme's name is absent from cast lists on both Falconman's site and IMDb page.
He quit the production once he learned he would not be playing three Falconmen.
So there you have it. Falconman supposedly comes out this September, but we wouldn't be surprised if a movie this cosmically satisfying does not even deign to have a release date.
Cyriaque Lamar is an editor here at Cracked. His last article was about McGruff the Crime Dog's criminally underrated album. He is on Twitter.