#2. The Stadiums Will Be Protected by Anti-Aircraft Missiles and Drones
It's well known that soccer fans can get a little rowdy and start fights with each other at the slightest provocation, presumably just as a way to stay awake while a soccer match is happening in front of them. So, it's normal for the authorities to deploy some security measures around the stadiums, like barricades, protective fences ... or, in Brazil 2014's case, fucking anti-aircraft missiles.
Along with buying 34 German anti-aircraft tanks in preparation for the World Cup, the Brazilian Air Force has been petitioning the government to bend a currently standing "You're Not Allowed to Shoot Down Planes Over Populated Areas" law. Why? Because with that pesky technicality out of the way, the Air Force will be able to initiate a defense zone around all of the World Cup's stadiums and blast the shit out of any plane that might fly within a 4-nautical-mile radius. You know, in case anyone tries to pull any 9/11s during the penalty kicks, because that sounds feasible.
Whether they succeed in looping through the law or not, it doesn't really seem to matter -- the anti-aircraft guns have already been deployed around all the stadiums. Let's just hope they don't shoot down their own fleet of drones, recently purchased from Israel, that'll be flying around the stadiums performing "safety and security missions." So, yes, shooting poison darts at scalpers, probably.
AFP Photo/Elbit Systems
Yeah. At this point, we're pretty sure Brazil's military is just taking advantage of the government's World Cup-related spending spree to renovate their arsenal for the entire next century. As if to prove that, they've also bought a bunch of unused U.S. military robots (they were probably on clearance) that will be used to search for bombs in your luggage and old underwear.
AP via msn.foxsports.com
"No thongs? Very suspicious. Blow it up."
#1. The Protests Are Getting More and More Insane
We've been talking about the crazy shit Brazil's authorities are pulling right now, but don't let us give you the impression that the protesters haven't risen up to the challenge. You might have already seen the pics of the cities crowded with protesters starting from a year ago, but just in case you don't keep up with international news that doesn't involve Justin Bieber, here you go:
Pictured: Not Carnival.
Those millions of Brazilian people are protesting for the millions of Brazilian dollars being spent on World Cup and Olympic stadiums that could've gone toward health, education, or helping people not starve to death. You know shit's serious when Brazil starts turning its back on soccer. Sure, every country experiences protests, but the Brazilians' natural effusiveness turns every demonstration into a scene from a sci-fi movie. When a bus strike was held a few weeks ago, for example, the subway and all the thousands of people pushing their way through looked like something straight out of World War Z.
And remember -- that's before the arrival of an estimated 3.7 million tourists who will undoubtedly make things suck even more (as tourists tend to do). And then you've got the indigenous tribes of Brazil starting to fight back: At a protest last week, police clashed with and subsequently tear-gassed Brazilian tribesmen equipped with bows, arrows, spears, headdresses, and the occasional grass skirt. Everything's a jug of blue body paint removed from a porn parody of Avatar.
AP Photo/Eraldo Peres
After everything we've seen so far, we're assuming the horses are cyborgs.
And for one final time, let us remind you that this is Brazil. Protesting. Soccer. It's like Canada protesting politeness, or America protesting pizza. The impressively bleak graffiti probably says it best:
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.