If you're a professional Internet, or even a casual Internet, you're well aware that Disney has bought Lucasfilm for $4 billion and that a new Star Wars trilogy will start in 2015. If you're any kind of nerd, you FREAKED OUT OMG THANKS GEORGE LUCAS FOR CRAPPING ON MY CHILDHOOD AGAIN NICE FLANNEL YOU FUCK.
Hopefully you didn't get too many stares, and hopefully you calmed down, or at least turned Caps Lock off. As a Star Wars fan, I can assure you that this is actually a very good thing. As someone who has no insider info whatsoever, I can still assure you of that with only moderately less confidence. You see ...
#4. Disney Makes Some Pretty Good Movies
Disney makes some bad movies, too, but so does everyone, except the Coen brothers. If you're a Star Trek fan, you have gotten a big chunk of bad television and film, as well as a big chunk of great television and film. That's how franchises work. You get a lot of it, some of it's good, and some of it's bad. It's actually a good thing that the Star Wars franchise has opened up to more than three new movies every 20 years. Maybe in 2015 you won't say about Star Wars, "Three of the movies are terrible, two are good, and one is great." Maybe you'll be able to add another "good" to that list. Or at least a "not terrible." So every two or three years, you will get to see another Star Wars film, and it won't be absolutely terrible, because Disney doesn't make terrible movies. At their worst, they make mediocre movies. At their best, they make Toy Story 3 and The Avengers. Did you forget that, in 2009, Disney bought Marvel and then made The Avengers? Didn't you LOVE The Avengers? No? Did you at least like? No? Then please leave this Internet.
#3. People Who Aren't George Lucas Understand Star Wars
Another great thing that comes from this deal is that people other than George Lucas will be making a Star Wars movie. That's been the dream for YEARS. Say what you will about the prequels (ex.: "Boooooo!"), but the main problem with them is that they weren't Star Wars movies. They were clunky homages to Star Wars in the Star Wars universe. This is because, despite being the "visionary" behind them, I don't think George Lucas actually likes Star Wars. If he does, then he doesn't know why. He doesn't understand what people like about it. He doesn't understand what makes it good. If he did, he wouldn't have done [anything he's done in the past two decades].
"This is it. THIS is the heart of Star Wars."
George just got Star Wars WRONG somehow in the prequels. There were light sabers, there were droids and there were Jedi, but it wasn't Star Wars. When he made A New Hope, he was setting out to make a film drawing from all the old Westerns and sci-fi serials he loved as a kid. He didn't know what Star Wars was -- he just made it. When he made the prequels, however, he was actively trying to make what he thought a Star Wars movie was, and that is why he failed.
But now Star Wars will be in someone else's hands. Someone who watched it and loved it and understands why. Someone with fresh ideas based on an entirely different childhood of consuming pop culture entertainment. Maybe Brad Bird will make a Star War. Maybe Joss Whedon or Darren Aronofsky will make a Star War. Hell, in 20 years, maybe you will get to make a Star War. I'll bet you have a pretty good idea. And wouldn't that be cool of your life to let you make a Star War, because ...
#2. You LIKE Star Wars
Right? Don't you? Isn't this good news? Sure, you (probably) hated the prequels, but the guy who made them isn't making these new movies. It's entirely possible that you will get to go to a movie theater, watch a Star War you have never seen before, and really like it. Don't you want that? Is it really a disappointment that you're getting a chance to not be disappointed? Are you really super bummed and jaded and nerd-raged to the point where you don't want to see another Star Wars movie? Have I asked enough rhetorical questions yet? How about now? No? Now?
And despite all this, I could be wrong. Maybe Disney will hire Michael Bay to make a Star Wars movie about Jar Jar's dumber, more racist friend Gloob Glamb who farts light sabers to communicate with Ewok penises. Maybe that. But I urge you to be excited about that, too, because ...
#1. You LOVE Terrible Things
If I know one thing about the Internet, it's cats. If I know a second thing, it's that it loves to watch and make fun of bad things. You love it. You loved not liking Prometheus. Everyone was nerds to the wall excited about The Dark Knight Rises, and then disappointed. But then we all had a Bane-voiced ball making fun of it. It was fun. You had fun. Admit it. You like bad movies as much as you like good movies.
It really is a lovely Bane voice.
Personally, I would love to see another great Star Wars film. I would love to make a great Star Wars film. It's possible. We've already covered how not to make a Star Wars sequel. But now that we know what NOT to do, we can do it right. But if that doesn't happen, at least I'll get to watch a two-hour video of Harry Plinkett making fun of the new terrible Star Wars movie on Red Letter Media. I'll take that. I'll take it with a smile, even if Greedo smiled first.