As you may have heard, Marvel is about to put out a movie where one of the main characters is a talking, machine gun-toting space raccoon. That's how much money their interlocking mega-franchises have made: They can do whatever the fuck they want now. But why stop at space raccoons? Imagine Tarantino doing a Nick Fury movie. Wes Anderson on Spider-Man, once they get the rights back. Martin Scorsese's Howard the Duck reboot (starring Leo DiCaprio). Everything is possible.
Well, not really. We're sorry to inform you that Marvel Studios will never do anything particularly innovative or artistic. Now, there's nothing wrong with doing big dumb action movies, but don't get your hopes up for anything more than that, because ...
#4. The Plots Are Already Getting Repetitive
Here are some spoilers for pretty much every Marvel movie ever ... including the ones that haven't come out yet, because things are getting pretty predictable.
Remember how, in The Avengers, New York was invaded by aliens, and the superheroes joined together to defeat them, and it was unlike anything you'd ever seen in a movie? For comic book fans, that's Wednesday. By our estimation, the Marvel Comics Earth gets invaded by aliens about 367 times a year, and the movies are following suit. Only a year after The Avengers, we had another alien-invasion story in Thor 2.
"Oh, is it Tuesday already?"
Speaking of Thor 2, at the end of that movie, the old, wise father figure played by a respected actor (Anthony Hopkins as Odin) is revealed to be evil, which was a shocking plot twist ... that we'd seen before in Iron Man with Jeff Bridges, and that we already saw again in Captain America 2 with Robert Redford. Hey, wonder what Michael Douglas' heroic character in Ant-Man will do?
Then again, in these movies, good guys turn bad all over the place. So far, there's Hawkeye in The Avengers, not one but two old acquaintances of Tony in Iron Man 3, and Bucky in Captain America 2. Hell, half of S.H.I.E.L.D. turned out to be evil in that movie, although we probably should have seen that one coming, considering that they've been caught pulling shady stuff in every movie they've appeared in. If there's one twist Marvel has successfully pulled off, it's convincing the audience that the dude with the eye patch and the goatee is somehow trustworthy.
Pictured: Someone a cat away from being a Bond villain.
As for Marvel's actual supervillains, they're the opposite: They actually want to get caught. Loki did it in The Avengers, Mickey Rourke intentionally went to prison in Iron Man 2, and even that Nazi computer guy in Captain America 2 lured the heroes in by getting caught. We'd tell Marvel to maybe take a little more time with their scripts, but we know that's not gonna happen, because ...
#3. Inevitably, Some Movies Will Get Rushed
Good news: Marvel Studios has their movies planned all the way to 2028! That means there are plenty more stories featuring Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, and old dudes who look like Stan Lee coming up. Bad news: Some of those movies are gonna suck.
Why? Very simple: It takes a lot of time to make a film just right, and when you have a schedule as tight as Marvel's, time isn't a luxury all directors will have. For example, Shaun of the Dead's Edgar Wright recently bailed out on Ant-Man, a movie he had been working on since the Bush administration, but Marvel is still sticking to its July 2015 release date. That means that whoever replaces Wright will have less than a year to slap this thing together so it's in the can in time for July. Oh, and since this is a movie where Paul Rudd plays a shrinking superhero, we're guessing a huge chunk of that time will be spent on special effects.
But wait, Ant-Man isn't doomed yet! Last week, Marvel found the perfect replacement: Adam McKay, who not only knows the character, but likes him. Somehow Marvel managed to find the only two directors in the world who are Ant-Man fans. However, on the same day that he was named a shoe-in for the job, McKay unnamed himself because he had other commitments, and obviously Marvel can't wait for one guy. Even if that guy is the director.
It's not the first time something like this has happened: Kenneth Branagh dropped out of Thor 2 because of the time it takes to shoot one of these movies and Marvel's need to rush it along, so they replaced him with Patty Jenkins, the director of Monster ... who was promptly dropped and replaced with a third director, because Marvel got nervous about the schedule. The movie turned out fine, and maybe Ant-Man will, too, but it's only a matter of time before they have to shoot Iron Man 7 with action figures because there wasn't enough time to get the actors.
"What if we just film the whole thing in helmet-cam?"
If you add Jon Favreau leaving Iron Man 3, that's four directors Marvel has lost in a couple of years. And they're not the only ones getting upset ...