4 Reasons The New 'Star Wars' Movies Will Inevitably Be Bad

#2. The Studio Release Strategy Is Insane

The J.J. Abrams war of the stars hits theaters roughly 520 days from now, and will continue every two years until 2019, or 1,461 days after the first one. Every other year between that is when Disney plans to release the aforementioned spinoff films, meaning that in those 1,461 days, we'll be seeing five movies, topped off by a sixth in 2020 -- not to mention whatever sequels will inevitably follow. That's one film every 365 days for the next six years or, more likely, the rest of your waking life.

Tom Pennington/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The episode titles are going to start looking like Super Bowls.

Now combine that with the fact that the spinoffs have also been described as stand-alone films having no character crossover with the numeral films and you see just how fucking confusing this is going to get. Consider that the original trilogy had three years between films. Hell, the prequels had two years between them.

And all you modern-day Star Wars fans? Get ready to see old Han Solo one year, only to witness him turn into young Han Solo the next, before going back to old Han Solo a year after that, or until Harrison Ford demands that Han die of a space heart attack off camera.

Ian Gavan/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

At this point, he belongs in a museum.

#1. Statistically Speaking, the Movies Are Destined to Suck

Let's be brutally honest -- since The Empire Strikes Back, there really hasn't been an amazing Star Wars anything in the past 34 years. Sure, we got Knights of the Old Republic, the Genndy Tartakovsky Clone Wars cartoon, and some well-received books here and there. But what else? Right out the gate, there was the Holiday Special followed by a bunch of completely unwatchable television shows, as well as an endless cornucopia of video games of varying quality control, including a Mortal Kombat-style fighting game where it took like 10 fucking hits with a lightsaber to kill a Stormtrooper.

"Boba's feet!?! Where?"

Aside from the terrible prequels, they also did a Clone Wars animated movie that is currently at 18 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Hell, one of the last pre-Disney Star Wars projects was a cartoon sitcom for kids that had 39 episodes in the can until it got buried for probably forever. Maybe it's time to admit that Star Wars was just an exceedingly decent science fiction homage to a 1958 samurai film.

"Try replacing me with CGI'ed Hayden Christensen. I fucking dare you."

We'd be just as thrilled as you if these new movies end up proving us wrong. We really would. But when we're talking about a franchise with a cinematic batting record only slightly better than videos al-Qaida's put out, the smart money is not on the Wookiee.

More Quick Fixes:

See More

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!