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4 Reasons Everyone in the New Superman Movie is a Dick

The latest trailer for Zack Snyder's Superman reboot, Man of Steel, debuted recently, and despite being thrilled that there were no shots of Kryptonite islands or children throwing pianos, we're beginning to notice a disturbing trend with each new preview -- every single character in the movie seems to be a massive shithead.

#4. Superman's Father Sends His Son to Earth to Become Either a Ruler or an Outcast

Superman's real father, Russell Crowe, is told by his wife that their son will be seen as an "outcast" on Earth. Russell Crowe disagrees, retorting, "He'll be a God to them," and then he launches Superman into the infinite blackness of the universe. That's it. That's the plan. Supes will either be ostracized by an entire race of people and forced to live alone on the frontier like the subject of an ATF training video or use his superior abilities to enslave an entire planet. No middle ground, no back-up planet, no relatives living on some fringe moon colony they could send him to -- the important thing here is shooting your baby into space. Let the infant demigod and the unsuspecting world you unleash him upon figure out the rest of that bullshit.


"Roll the dice, pussy."

#3. Superman's Stepfather Tells Him to Kill Children

Superman's stand-in Earth father, Kevin Costner, tells him that letting a school bus full of children drown would've been preferable to actually saving them, because the world simply is not ready to cope with a preteen immortal zipping around flexing his space muscles for all to see. As the adult in this exchange, Costner should've at least thought to suggest that perhaps no one would believe the hysterical nearly drowned schoolchildren who claim to have been lifted to safety by a Herculean classmate, and maybe pat Superman on the back for having the default instinct of "These people are in trouble and I can help them, I must act," as opposed to "Fuck everybody else, I'm goddamn Superman, I don't even care," which we argue is the attitude that would need to be corrected.


When he uses his laser vision to steambroil that busload of kids, then it's time for discipline.

#2. All of the Earthlings Are Condescending and Distrustful

Speaking of that bus full of kids, we hear one of their mothers sanctimoniously accusing young Superman of saving her child, as if that is a bad thing. Forget the fact that my son nearly drowned and was rescued by a benevolent superbeing; what's really important here is that a kid with bus-lifting biceps and no apparent need to breathe oxygen is running around our community. It's not like Superman is screaming through town robbing banks at the speed of sound -- he's saving people's lives, and all anyone can seem to do is give him shit about it.


On the plus side, we smell a Hulk crossover on the horizon.

And then there's Lois Lane, who takes one look at the alien squiggle on his chest and decides to insult his entire race and culture. She asks what the "S" stands for, Superman politely informs her that it isn't an "S" but rather a meaningful symbol on his home world, and she quickly replies with a dismissive "Well, here it's an 'S.'" That is Lois' knee-jerk journalistic response -- not to ask any questions about this completely unknown alien culture (during the first recorded interaction between human beings and extraterrestrials in the history of existence), but instead to tell him to quit his moon-man babbling and speak English like the rest of us before America decides he's a terrorist.

Incidentally, it seems the American military has already made up its mind about this issue, because they appear to be hell-bent on shooting Superman with every type of ordnance ever manufactured.


"Well, it's all gonna go bad if we don't use it."

#1. Superman Has a Dangerous Messiah Complex

Superman himself has clearly taken Russell Crowe's doctrine of superiority to heart -- he really, really wants to remain on Earth and live like a god. General Zod makes it abundantly clear that all he wants is for Superman to come with him -- if his demands aren't met, he'll destroy the world. Simple as that. However, rather than just go with Zod, which would instantly spare Earth from any harm whatsoever, Superman elects to stay and fight. Ostensibly he's doing it to protect the humans and earn their trust, but really it's just because he loves living on a planet where he is 1 million percent superior to every living being and he doesn't want to leave.

Judging from everything we've seen, General Zod seems to be the most honest and forthright character in the movie. And he's the murderous villain.


So kneel before Zod, and you just might learn something.

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