No one likes a jerk, everyone loves schadenfreude, and it's really satisfying when those two things dovetail into a steaming pile of karmic justice. So sit back, relax, and behold some recent situations where dickheads got the same crap they feed everyone else shoveled back to them.
#4. Politician Who Campaigned for Internet Censorship Has Site Censored
In most of the free world, you can look at all the porn you want, whenever you want. (In fact, some of you are reading this while you wait for your porn to load.) But in the U.K., recent laws require all Internet service providers to put in a smut filter, turned on by default, thanks to the efforts of a group of concerned politicians who bugged everyone about this for years. Politicians like conservative Member of Parliament Claire Perry, whose own website was immediately blocked as soon as the porn filters were turned on.
Look at all that bush. Disgusting.
It seems that all that talk about how awful porn is for children probably set off the filter, which apparently can't distinguish between actual dirty talk and political rhetoric about the evils of dicks 'n' boobs. Take note, British pornographers: If you want your sites to bypass the filters, include as many photos of people diddling away as you like, but just make sure all the text dryly prattles on about cheese export laws or something.
#3. NFL Player Who Bullied His Teammate Tells Twitter Not to Bully Him
The Miami Dolphins had a pretty huge scandal last year when offensive tackle Jonathan Martin quit the team after being bullied and harassed by several of his teammates, the ringleader of which was guard Richie Incognito (who shares a name with the protagonist of our young-adult detective novella, Richie Incognito and the Spooky Cupboard). Reportedly the players and even a coach were trying to "toughen him up" by insulting, berating, threatening, and making racist remarks to Martin, because at some point the entire NFL was replaced by a bunch of pee-wee football kids.
But once the NFL definitively sided with Martin after concluding their investigation last month, Incognito got the tables turned on him. Twitter users began flooding his account with tweets insulting and berating him. His reaction? "Stop bullying me, you big meanies."
Incognito deleted his Twitter account shortly after (then undeleted it, but hasn't tweeted in a while). To be fair, how was he supposed to know that bullying another team member was bad if the guy didn't even use any hashtags?
#2. Exxon CEO Gets Mad About Fracking in His Neighborhood
Fracking, if you're not hip on gas industry slang, is a controversial method of extracting natural gas from rocks underground. Although the gas industry describes it as the safest thing ever invented, environmentalists hold that it will murder us all with toxic gas fumes. It's a polarizing issue, but according to Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson, the risks are "entirely manageable," and regulating fracking is only "holding back the American economic recovery, growth, and global competitiveness."
Or at least that's what he thought in 2012. Cut to 2014, when an operation in Bartonville, Texas, builds a water tower next to his home. Then he joins in on an anti-fracking lawsuit.
Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Before, I was talking about all the cursing in Battlestar Galactica."
The lawsuit claims that the tower will create "a noise nuisance and traffic hazards," among the other terrible things that fracking is supposed to entail. Tillerson's lawyer has clarified that the CEO doesn't care about all those negative effects, just the fact that it's lowering his property value ... because of those negative effects. He's basically saying, "I'm not a hypocrite, just greedy!" You can be both, Rex. You can be both.
#1. A Racist Is the Target of Racism After Finding Out He's Part Black
Craig Cobb, a white supremacist, attempted to start his own little dumbshit utopia in Leith, North Dakota, by inviting only other white supremacists to inhabit the town. While this may sound incredibly stupid, it had the unexpected benefit of keeping a bunch of racists in the middle of North Dakota where they can't bother anybody else.
There's just one problem. As Cobb found out last fall while attending a live television show, he's 14 percent sub-Saharan African, according to a DNA test.
We could listen to that lady laugh all day long.
While that news is sweet enough on its own, it gets better: Rather than exile himself from his all-white town, Cobb stuck around and was recently arrested on charges of "terrorizing" the place when he began patrolling its streets with a gun. What led to that? Why, one of his fellow white supremacists tagging his house with racist graffiti, of course. It just so happened that his fellow racist shitheads turned on Cobb after they found out about his TV appearance. If you can't trust your white-power buddies, who can you trust?