As children, we are expected to own up to our mistakes and learn from them. As adults, we learn to simply blame our idiot mistakes on someone else and palpate the legal system until a shitload of money flies out.
#4. A Billionaire Sues a Casino Because He Sucks at Gambling
Real estate billionaire Harry Kakavas has a bit of a gambling problem. This is another way of saying that he threw down over a billion dollars at Australia's Crown Casino in the span of 16 months, leading us to wonder how he ever became a billionaire in the first place.
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The Crown spent the bulk of their winnings redefining the word "tacky."
But Kakavas doesn't like to lose (despite how good he is at it) and decided to sue the casino for allowing him to gamble when they knew he had an addiction. The court soberly pointed out that his decision-impairing "gambling frenzy" lasted a year and a goddamned half, and at no point during that period was he dragged out of his home by a Crown employee and forced to play baccarat at gunpoint. Kakavas actually has a history of doing things like this -- back in 2006, he borrowed (and immediately lost) $1 million from a different casino that he was forced to pay back, and he has a similarly ridiculous relationship with Crown. Kakavas ultimately lost the case, but in fairness, considering his track record of legal squabbles with casinos, Crown's pit boss probably should've locked the doors the second they saw him pull into the parking lot.
#3. A Woman Sues Her Psychic
Hollywood naif Klarissa Castro is suing her former psychic for taking advantage of her goodwill and preying on her emotional vulnerability, a list of charges generally referred to as "being a psychic." Castro went to visit Jennifer Williams in order to get some clairvoyant help for her relationship. Williams told Castro she had a "love curse," because when you are being paid money to say random and vaguely spiritual things about a person's life, it behooves you to come up with something that requires a few follow-up visits. In order to break the curse, Williams urged Castro to complete various middle school rituals, such as putting love letters underneath her bed and writing a romantic wish list, presumably to see how much of them she'd actually do.
It's important to enjoy your work.
When that failed to lift the curse, Williams convinced Castro to buy a bunch of blessed candles from her, then instructed Castro to give her $1,500 worth of gift cards to "buy items to symbolize the love between [Castro] and her boyfriend," which is a phrase here meaning "give me $1,500 of untraceable income." Finally, Williams collected $5,000 from Castro to commission a magic painting to help break the curse. Sadly, the painting was apparently cursed as well, because nobody ever saw it.
Two years and $11,000 later, Castro finally realized that something fishy was going on, because her relationship had not improved whatsoever -- at this point, we're amazed it even still existed -- while Williams seemed especially adept at finding new ways to charge for her services. So Castro sued Williams, who somehow didn't see it coming.
"Tell you what: Bang this gavel with your mind, and I'll see to it that you're acquitted."
#2. A Frat Boy Sues Over Drunken Butt Fireworks
Louis Helmburg III, a student at Marshall University in West Virginia, was on the deck of his fraternity house with fraternity brother Travis Hughes when Hughes suddenly recognized a splendid opportunity to launch a bottle rocket from his anus. In his haste to dive out of the way of Hughes' incandescent butt missile, Helmburg stumbled right the hell off the balcony and sustained some minor injuries. Rather than laugh the experience off and recognize it for the priceless conversation-saving anecdote that it will eventually become, Helmburg decided his only course of action was to sue absolutely everyone, because he is a massive shithead.
Not pictured: Helmburg, because our servers can't host douchiness of such gravity.
Helmburg filed suit against his fraternity, the university and its interfraternal council, the landlords of the fraternity house, and Travis Hughes, who you may recognize as the only person on that list of defendants to actually fire a rocket from their peanut cannon. The university was dismissed from the lawsuit, but the others are still on the hook for the actions of one marauding fart rocketeer.
#1. People Sue Apple for Not Protecting Them from Themselves
Former attorney Chris Sevier is suing Apple because he claims their products didn't do enough to prevent him from watching porn. According to Sevier, he was enjoying a normal porn-free day, whistling nonchalantly as he attempted to enter "facebook.com" into his Safari address bar, when an innocent typo launched him boner-first into an endless dimension of graphic nudity, despite the fact that there is absolutely no permutation of "facebook.com" one could accidentally type that would lead to a porn site. (Hell, faceboob.com, a keyboard snafu if ever there was one, leads to absolute bupkis.)
Spencer Platt / Getty
The vaunted "all roads lead to porn" feature was a dearly held dream of Steve Jobs.
In his suit, Sevier claims that Apple should have protection measures preloaded onto all of their devices that require a master password (obtainable only by contacting Apple themselves) in order to view adult content, because Sevier is apparently 9 years old. He says that Apple's careless oversight resulted in giving him a debilitating porn addiction, causing his marriage to deteriorate by placing his wife in endless competition with balloon-chested Internet sirens he is powerless to turn away from. It should come as a surprise to precisely no one that Sevier has been on inactive status since 2011, because the Tennessee Supreme Court decided he was too "mentally infirm" to practice law.
Justin Sullivan / Staff / Getty
"Curse you, monochromatic boner slats of relentless temptation!"
Meanwhile, attorney Scott Weiselberg is suing Apple for the money he spent on a rental of the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy, because he is apparently trapped in the year 2000. He downloaded the film from the iTunes Store, forking over the extra dollar to watch it in HD rather than standard definition, only to discover that his phone was unable to play HD content. Instead of recognizing this as divine intervention and taking the opportunity to engage in quiet reflection, he took legal action against Apple for unspecified "damages," which is arguably related to the anguish of viewing Big Daddy rather than the emotional distress caused by the loss of a single dollar.