#2. The Hobbit 3 Is Basically a Star Wars Prequel
We've applauded Peter Jackson before for his refusal to resort to CGI in his Lord of the Rings trilogy and instead using some clever trickery to get the shots he needs: forced perspective, elaborate rotating sets, the works. So what sort of clever plans does he have for the final film in the Hobbit trilogy?
Oh ... that's ... oh. Just actors in a green screen room. Well, at least the actors aren't CGI, too, right? Right?
You were the chosen one!
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. After making one highly successful fantasy film trilogy, Jackson's creating a new kid-friendly trilogy of prequels that's mostly computer-generated. The Illuminati is Jar Jar Binks.
#1. The Avengers 2 Stars the Creepy Guy Who Jogs Around Your Neighborhood
By now, everyone's familiar with the huge New York battle royal from The Avengers. It's been a few years, but we're pretty sure that scene took up 90 percent of the film's running time. So how's the sequel going to follow up that amazing sequence? With the exact same thing, apparently.
All of the elements are there. Big open area in daylight! Rubble in the streets! But who gives a crap? The Avengers was great! The Avengers 2 could take place entirely on the Planet of Sunlight and Rubble and we'd still cheer our lungs out. Let's take a closer look at one of the newest Avengers, the super-fast Quicksilver, known for his fleet feet, snappy haircut, and poor attitude:
"Wait, I thought Fox had the rights to the shitty version of me?"
Hold on, what the fuck happened to Quicksilver? Is he honestly sporting '90s-era bleached hair and running shoes? He looks like the lead singer of Collective Soul training for a half-marathon. And what's up with the stubble? He's crazy fast, so shaving should take like 0.5 seconds. And that shirt makes him look like a one-man PSA against Under Armour. Overall, he looks like that guy who slowly runs around your neighborhood air drumming, even though he's not wearing headphones. Maybe they'll replace him with Benedict Cumberbatch in post.
"My mutant power is this accent!"