Sure, Hollywood films look all silky and smooth when they're edited and CGI-ed and the cameras are actually facing the actors, but even the most multimillion dollar of blockbusters look absolutely crazy when they're being cobbled together in meatspace. Here are some recent examples:
#4. Transformers 4 Is Michael Bay's Own Private Torture Chamber
The Transformers films continually turn a profit because each movie is two hours of white noise and exploding tinsel. They tap into that primordial corner of the human brain with such ferocity that audiences don't even give a shit if they end up gazing slack-jawed at Shia LaBeouf's meerkat sneer for three hours.
But underneath that barrage of crackling crapola are the antics of maybe the happiest man in Hollywood: Michael Bay. Now, throughout his career, Bay has gotten a ton of shit from everybody with eyes, but it's a bit more difficult to hate the guy when you see him levitating an Audi full of concerned actors while crazy-eyed, humping the air, and dressed like Doc Brown:
"I'm wearing white to enjoy the splatter."
Or this photo, in which Bay felt the need to demonstrate the exact angle a terrified ingenue had to be menaced with an extraterrestrial robot hand:
"Luckily, we already had the hand made for whenever I need someone to masturbate my ego."
Just soak in the magic for a moment. Rather than fart the day away in the planetarium-size trailer he bought with alien robot giant testicles, Bay was compelled to personally thrust the pitchfork claw of an enraged house-size action figure at a woman on the verge of tears. That's a sign the guy either A) is manically committed to his job or B) killed all the prisoners on his Most Dangerous Game island and is looking for a new outlet for his psychopathy.
#3. The New Ninja Turtles Are Just Guys With Fancy Backpacks
Speaking of Michael Bay, what's the status of the other childhood franchise over which he was inexplicably given free reign?
"These suits were made from only the finest of grandmother couches."
Yep, those ... those are turtles, we guess: four men wearing body armor woven of motel carpet. We know they can't actually find mutant turtles to fill the roles, but would it be so hard to get a Foot Clan armed with ninja weapons? They're armed with firearms and broom handles. That's not an evil gang of shinobis; that's an out-of-control janitor's strike.
"They even cut our hours to part time. I've got terribly costumed ninja-kids to feed."
Again, we're not obtuse. We understand that computer animation is all the craze in Hollywood nowadays and probably will be until puppet shows once again usurp movies as society's dominant form of entertainment. But when you compare these photos to the first cinematic Ninja Turtles -- which were straight-up built by Jim Henson Studios -- you can't shake the suspicion that the new movie will be about overfunded futon thieves instead of wisecracking reptilian fetuses.