As we previously discussed -- to the delight of those article-thieving boner demons over at the Daily Mail -- tourists are assholes. Whether it be through cultural ignorance or the limitless human capacity to not give a shit, tourists have the uncanny ability to abandon rational thought and revert back to the level of impulse control experienced by freshwater amoebas.
#4. Walter White's Funeral Becomes a Tourist Attraction Where Hundreds of People Trample Over Real Graves
Last October, the TV show Breaking Bad, a heartwarming buddy comedy about a Malebolgian drug dealer and his delinquent sidekick, ended its five-season run by [SPOILERS THAT HAVE BEEN PLASTERED EVERYWHERE] riddling its main character with more bullets than Vito Corleone's eldest son. Some fans were so mournful that Albuquerque Health Care for the Homeless decided to hold a funeral ceremony to commemorate the loss of this fictional character, because they have no idea how to properly interact with other human beings.
"We don't give a shit about the dead or spoiler alerts."
Hundreds of Breaking Bad tourists from around the country converged on New Mexico to attend the funeral at Sunset Memorial Park. However, the problem with removing sincere mourning from a funeral and adding in several hundred random strangers with no meaningful connection to one another save their shared enthusiasm for the fictional exploits of a person who never existed is that you are left with dozens of clueless assholes behaving as if the entire cemetery is full of nothing but cartoon characters and literary heroes. So instead of treating the graveyard like the place of quiet, respectful reflection that it is, these out-of-town Breaking Bad fans stood on the gravestones of real people.
"Nice of them to put these stones here so we don't have to stand on the grass."
Relatives of the trampled corpses gathered a 1,000-signature petition complaining against the (incredibly stupid) event, which evoked a quick reply from the organizers, who apologized for all the idiots they invited to come loiter on top of the gravestones of actual dead children.
#3. Tourists Cause Statue's Boob to Fade Away Because They All Take the Same Dumb Photo
Tourists visiting the Turpan Flaming Mountain Scenic Area of Xinjiang, China, can gaze around the beautiful countryside, soaking in the setting sun as they stand atop one of the few corners of the world left untouched by industrial hands, and take a photograph of themselves groping the giant metal boob of an angry statue.
The statue is of Princess Iron Fan, a character from the famed 16th century Chinese novel Journey to the West, and since it was first built in 2009, the statue has already required several touch-ups because of the corrosion piling up on her iron tit from all the zany melon-squeezing photos people are taking.
Both the woman and the statue seem to share the same level of dissatisfaction with this picture.
#2. Tourists at Shanghai Zoo Bury Lion Enclosure in Trash for No Reason
This past October, numerous Chinese tourists celebrating their week-long National Day Golden Week holiday made their way to the Shanghai Zoo, where one of the grander attractions is a pen housing a pair of adult lions. However, the throng of Golden Week visitors took it upon themselves to fling dozens of empty plastic bottles and food wrappers into the enclosure. We're unsure if this was out of sheer wanton jerkiness or a misguided scientific initiative to teach great cats to eat garbage in the eventuality that all herbivores go extinct.
Regardless of whether this was a case of people trying to goad the lions into moving or just being plain assholes (not mutually exclusive), this type of behavior is only appropriate at a Justin Bieber concert.
#1. German Students Vandalize Egyptian Pyramid to Prove It Was Built by Aliens
Late last November, two German students sneaked into one of the three Great Pyramids at Giza and scraped away samples of the priceless cartouche paint inscribed over the burial chamber of Pharaoh Khufu, before presumably dodging an array of snake pits and giant boulders to board a plane chartered by a stealth-mustached Dan Aykroyd with their stolen artifact in hand. It would be a daring caper worthy of begrudging respect had they done it for literally any other reason than the one they actually did it for -- to prove that the pyramids were actually built by aliens.
What hath the History Channel wrought?
According to one of the most adorably stupid theories of all time, the pyramids weren't actually built back in the 26th century B.C. by ancient Egyptians, but were in fact put in the middle of the desert on planet Earth by interstellar aliens for reasons that cannot be adequately explained to anyone with a working knowledge of how expensive space travel is in terms of time and resources. The Egyptians merely stumbled upon the already completed structures and refurbished them, a notion our two German heroes hoped to prove by scraping off bits of paint from the interior of one of the pyramids and having it carbon dated, as if that process had somehow failed to occur to the scientific community.
The ballad of their journey of knowledge and discovery will surely be sung for generations.
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter, too.