Just like we did last week and the week before that (and we'll probably keep doing until the Internet simply collapses under the weight of its own crap), let us take you on another adventure through the most recent batch of overt balderdash that the media were somehow able to spit shine and call "news." Hope you don't have vertigo, because the bullshit's stacking high today!
#4. Flappy Bird iPhones Aren't Being Sold for $100,000 on eBay
Just when we thought the world was rid of Flappy Bird, the hit Helicopter game ripoff that got so much attention that its owner just said "fuck this" and took it down, the game flapped its way out of the grave and dove straight into a pile of cash:
We have an old Nokia with Snake that's yours for some Reese's and a Yoo-hoo.
Apparently, players are so desperate to get a shot at failing horribly in this game that they're willing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for a used iPhone where it's still playable. Or not, because those news stories are talking about two iPhones that reached around $100,000 in (fraudulent) bids before being promptly taken down. You know, because it's against eBay terms to sell phones with stuff installed on them.
Even then, it does appear that there are phones slipping through and being listed for up to $5,000 a pop ...
"Price doesn't include shipping or dignity."
... the only catch being that no one is actually buying them. Perhaps there is hope for the human race yet.
#3. A 4-Year-Old Didn't Cross a Desert Alone
As if the world isn't heartbreaking enough, last weekend we were treated to this emotional dick-punch:
Then someone spoiled True Detective for him.
Fuck everything, right? As Yahoo News put it, the boy was "found alone in the middle of the desert," which, according to the Daily Mirror, he was trying to cross after fleeing Syria. The photo came from the Twitter account of one of the humanitarian workers who found him -- the same Twitter account, by the way, that also showed photos of a big mass of Syrians walking right ahead of the boy.
"Well, philosophically we're all 'alone' ..."
Yep, the kid was only 20 steps behind his freaking family at the time the picture was taken. Bafflingly enough, this is the second time we've been duped by orphaned Syrian child photos in a month. Because, you know, there aren't enough real tragedies going on in that area to write about.
#2. The Loch Ness Monster Dies Every Few Years
The Loch Ness monster is most famous for a picture first published by the extremely trustworthy Daily Mail in 1934, which shockingly turned out to be a hoax. And, somehow, the media are still flogging this dead horse into oblivion:
Man, those simpletons in the 1930s sure were silly and gullible.
NBC, Fox, BBC, and even Discovery have been reporting that experts fear for Nessie's life since spottings have ranged from "nil" to "zip" in the past 18 months, creating international attention for a headline straight out of the supermarket checkout. Oh, but that's not the dumbest part of this whole non-story ...
... which also made headlines in 2010. How many times is it worth reporting that something that didn't exist in the first place has ceased to exist? We haven't found that number yet, because back in 2008 a similar expert was already telling us that the monster had been killed by global warming.
Listen, guys -- we're not telling you what to believe in. But either add resurrection to Nessie's list of powers or shut up about it dying.
#1. Obamacare Isn't Going to Kill 2 Million Jobs
President Obama must feel pretty proud that his health care reform is (apparently) so miraculously absent from real flaws that we have to make up fakes ones. For instance, now that we've all been injected with the mandatory microchip that forces us to give 90 percent of our income to abortions for LGBT immigrants per order of the Illuminati god Baphomet, some sites are exposing the harsh realities of Obamacare:
These two headlines from Yahoo and the Washington Times bring up two very important questions: 1) What is a CBO? and 2) Is Obama cutting 2 million work hours or 2 million jobs? To answer the first, it stands for the Congressional Budget Office. And for number two, the answer is neither.
It turns out that the study by the Budget Office didn't conclude that Obamacare was "cutting" anything, but rather creating less need for people to hold down full-time jobs. However, "You May Be Able to Retire Earlier" doesn't sound quite as clickable as "ANTICHRIST DESTROYS U.S. ECONOMY," so we can see why sites would go with the latter option.