When you're a tourist, you're subjected to plenty of advice about how to protect yourself from the many dangers that await you in a strange land. Unfortunately, the reverse is rarely true -- no one tells the strange land how to brace itself for your dumb, vacationing ass. Don't think such warnings are necessary? Then let us tell you about how ...
#4. Rich Parents Are Hiring Disabled People to Cut in Line at Disney World
Standing in a queue for several hours so you can enjoy a five-minute ride is part of the Disney World experience. For those with no patience, though, Disney offers VIP packages that let you walk straight into the attractions ... and for those with no souls, there's an even more exclusive method: hiring a handicapped "family member" to cut in line.
"Our deluxe packages include a 'Make-A-Wish kid' or 'amputee vet'."
Yep, for only $130 an hour these "black market Disney World Tours" will hire an individual in a wheelchair to put little rich children right at the front of the line. The people in charge of this service denied that this was a thing they did, before hastily deleting the part of their website that offered "significantly reduced wait times" and a "special entrance":
Dream Tours Florida via bernsteincrisismanagement.com
It's a dick world, after all.
Disney said they're conducting an investigation into the practice. Unfortunately, this means that the Manhattan mom who said "You can't go to Disney without a tour concierge" will now have to take a hammer to her kids' legs.
#3. Mount Everest Is Now Covered in Litter and Human Poop
Sixty years ago, no man had stood on top of Mount Everest. Today, nearly 150 people will make it to the top on a good day, making it more popular than your average Nordstrom. The problem is that they're leaving behind piles of litter, huge chunks of accumulated frozen poop, and the occasional corpse.
They tried the crying Native American thing to get people to stop, but his tears kept freezing.
With so many people wanting to go up there just so they can make "getting high" puns on Twitter, traffic is becoming an issue as well. One area is so clogged that officials are planning to install a ladder to avoid the hours-long bottlenecks happening now. A freaking ladder on Mount Everest. Life has officially become a Naked Gun movie.
Utmost Adventure Trekking/Al Jazeera
This is just the line for the Jamba Juice.