The children's cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic inexplicably has a legion of obsessively weird adult male fans who proudly refer to themselves as "bronies," because the Internet has made it much easier for people to confuse "individuality" with "being a sociopath." We've collected some of the bronies' more bafflingly insane fan creations, which we feel are enough to qualify as red flags on any background check.
#4. Porn Comics
They could at least have the decency to leave "beat" off the cover.
Hoof Beat and its devastatingly uncomfortable sequel are the end result of about a dozen brony artists combining their talents to provide unequivocal proof that they are masturbating to My Little Pony. In the few pages we can actually show you, you can see that they took painstaking care to remain faithful to the show's characters (who are intended to teach little girls about friendship) while simultaneously forcing them to have sex with each other (to teach bizarre lonely men about breasts and women's underwear).
The whole nightmarish thing is located here, and we sincerely hope the FBI monitors every download.
If for some Unsolved Mysteries reason you need a copy, you'll have to outbid a rogue's gallery of lunatics willing to pay hundreds of dollars for them, including one guy who dropped $1,025 on a single Hoof Beat instead of going to community college for a semester.
#3. Food Fetish Fan Fiction
RagingSemi, as his name suggests, is the author of nearly a hundred pieces of My Little Pony erotica, because it's not like he was busy penning brilliant exposes for Rolling Stone magazine. He wrote an entire series about the ponies having hot, grease-laden orgies with their human neighbor. We selected the words "hot" and "grease" not to make you crush the 9 and 1 keys into your phone as hard as possible (well, not only that, anyway), but because in RagingSemi's epic boner tales, all of the ponies are made of food.
For example, here's Onion Ring pony:
"Much of her body has a thick, bronzed beer batter. It looks like it's been nicely seasoned. Her mane is a series of over-lapping onion semicircles and full curls."
Here, maybe charting it will help.
Also, there's Hot Dog pony:
"Ketchup. Yellow mustard. Pickle relish. Diced onion. The works. You're sloppily eating ... making a real mess on your face. You notice her hot dog."
We can't figure that last part out, either.
#2. A Fallout Crossover Epic
Internet Hemmingway Kkat felt that the world needed a 620,000-word post-apocalyptic My Little Pony epic, and delivered it in the form of a five-volume collection (if you're too busy sharpening your bone saw to read it, you can grab the 62-hour audiobook). The story follows a character named Littlepip blasting enemy heads into fragments with her horn magic shotguns, and literally contains the phrase "Mindful of the sniper pony from the night before." Between the graphic rape and sex scenes and numerous gory deaths, it manages to be a spot-on representation of what would be screaming inside the mind of a schizophrenic toddler as he beat his mother to death with a toaster.
Somewhere, Ron Perlman just projectile vomited.
#1. Rainbow Factory
In the My Little Pony episode "Sonic Rainboom," we learn that rainbows are manufactured by a factory in the clouds (naturally). Twenty-year-old "shipper and receiver" (read: night stocker at Lowe's) Brent Lyons decided that this was his cue to write a Stygian epic about the Rainbow Factory wherein ponies are murdered to extract the necessary pigment for rainbow production. He adopted the pen name Aurora Dawn, possibly because he is a 20-year-old man writing stories about ponies on the Internet. His story (and accompanying sequel) embraces punishingly grim holocaust imagery and was inspired by a "Sonic Rainboom" tribute song written by a fellow brony to explore the dark implications of a rainbow factory in the sky, and MERCIFUL JESUS THIS IS A CARTOON SHOW FOR LITTLE GIRLS.
Although to be fair, this is teaching girls a valuable lesson about which guys to avoid when they get to high school.
Find Spud and his brother doing Web comic and blog things at Donuts for Sharks!