Finding millions of dollars of gold stashed inside an airborne toilet is the type of thing that's only supposed to happen once in a thousand lifetimes, and even then, it is generally assumed that an interdimensional plane-striding wizard will somehow be involved.
But as it turns out, insane news stories that seem to have been scripted by the writing team from Lost sometimes occur with alarming regularity.
#4. People Keep Finding Gold Bars in Airplane Toilets
On average, a human being could habitually check every public toilet within a 200-mile radius of their home and/or office and never find a single piece of gold, unless it was in the form of a bloody gilded molar dislodged from a pimp's jawbone during a fistfight with a plainclothes detective.
But that wasn't the case for an airline cleaning crew who stumbled upon 280 gold bars in the toilet of a Middle Eastern jumbo jet, as if King Midas had haphazardly tried to stick a wad of toilet paper into his burning anus and accidentally spilled diarrhea through his alchemic fingers.
Or a rage-filled magical goose was shitting bricks over flight delays.
That's about a million dollars' worth of treasure, just sitting in the bathroom of an airplane like a copy of Harper's Bazaar. Surely that's a once-in-a-lifetime occur- oh, no, wait. It totally happened again a few weeks later on a plane in India, where yet another cleaning crew found more than $1.1 million in sweet golden bricks nestled discreetly in the toilet.
Meanwhile, the only golden stuff we find is urine on the seat.
Apparently this happens all the goddamned time, which raises the question of what exactly Phase Two of these plans was intended to be.
#3. A Man Won a Multimillion-Dollar Lottery Twice in the Same Store
James Bozeman Jr. won two multimillion-dollar prizes in the Florida state lottery from tickets he bought at the same 7-Eleven, despite the fact that he is selfishly 67 years old. He just recently claimed his second prize, a cool $10 million that he has elected to receive in annual $100,000 payments over the next 30 years, in addition to the lump sum of $3 million he won last August while playing an entirely different set of numbers on an entirely different lottery ticket purchased from the same store. Basically, he's going to ride merrily into his grave on a sleigh made of American currency, because the universe hates us more than it truly loves him.
The only thing we've ever gotten from these stupid things is paper cuts.
#2. The City of Fort Worth Keeps Demolishing the Wrong Houses
Back in July, we told you about a house in Fort Worth, Texas, that the city had torn down by mistake, either because some bureaucrat put the wrong address on the demolition crew's work order or because people become possessed by the judgment of a 5-year-old when they get behind the wheel of a bulldozer. It's the kind of ridiculously stupid error that even a cold-hearted cynic would assume could only happen once, but they would be wrong.
Yep, that's an "s" you're seeing at the end of "home."
Fort Worth, for the second time in four months, has razed the wrong building to its foundation, causing all further demolitions to be halted lest they should accidentally plunge a wrecking ball straight through the ground into the center of the Earth and bathe the city in eternal molten core fire.
#1. Rihanna's Twitter Account Stops More Crime Than Batman
During her recent trip to Thailand, Rihanna couldn't resist leaving enough digital bread crumbs on her Twitter and Instagram accounts to lead to two separate arrests, earning her the dubious distinction of "biggest accidental snitch since Fredo Corleone."
Fredo quickly set his account to private.
The first came when she paid a couple of locals to let her pose for a picture with their monkey, which turned out to be an animal called a slow loris, a protected species that is totally illegal to own. The authorities used RiRi's photo to track the two guys down and arrest the shit out of them, and they now face substantial fines and up to four years in prison.
Because she wasn't done proving to the kingdom of Thailand that she has no idea how to keep a fucking secret, Rihanna then unleashed this dazzling post on her Twitter feed:
She left before the three French hens and the partridge in the pear tree.
That would be the wordsmith describing the enchanted evening she had at a sex show in a Thai bar, the owner of which was subsequently arrested after her tweet tipped off the local police. We're guessing Rihanna was the friend who would wake up the next morning from a sleepover at your house and tell your parents how much fun the two of you had stealing booze from the liquor cabinet.