4 Hilariously Juvenile Ways Politicians Are Trying to Win

Remember the best part of school elections? It was seeing what stupid-ass lengths kids would go to for the right to be named student body mathematician or whatever. And guess what? Things get really weird when grown-up politicians attempt the same shit in the adult world.

#4. Dutch Politicians Use Gay Dating App to Get Voters

When running for office, it's important to ask, "Hey, what are the young people into these days?" If you're two Amsterdam politicians who happen to like dudes and are mildly oblivious to social norms, you might be tempted to think the young people are into Grindr, the app that connects you with willing but anonymous sex partners. Thus, Pieter Rietman and Jan-Bert Vroege created Grindr profiles explicitly to reach voters.

Jan-Bert Vroege/Grindr
This is not how you are supposed to pole the electorate.

On Grindr, Vroege asked voters if he's "got a date with you on March 19." (Research confirms that this was the election date and not an orgy appointment.) In any case, this strategy didn't necessarily give the electorate blue balls, as their party ended up winning big in Amsterdam.

#3. California Politician Associates Himself With House of Cards

Even if you've never watched an episode of House of Cards, you're probably smart enough to know that this is a show about power-hungry, corrupt scuzzballs that you'd hate to share a room with, much less have govern you. Every main character is so egregiously evil, you think they're going to drop the Southern charm and grow Hitler mustaches any minute.

That's why it's hilarious that a California Republican thought House of Cards was the theme to anchor his congressional campaign. In a move that probably worked better in his head, Carl DeMaio took a look at the show titles and said "House of Cards ... cards ... cards. Hmmm ... I've got it!"

Carl DeMaio, Netflix
It's better than his Kate Mara themed photo shoot.

Then Carl fired up the old Photoshop machine to execute his killer print ad before anyone on his team or common sense had a chance to stop him. The funny thing is that his campaign is all about stopping corruption. DeMaio trusted voters to get that he's pledging to be the opposite of Kevin Spacey's character. You know, like that time Abraham Lincoln promised to be the opposite of the devil by posing as the devil in his campaign posters.

#2. Candidate Cuts Up Rival's Posters ... Himself

After Texas judicial candidate Stephani Walsh found that her campaign posters were getting mysteriously diced up overnight, Walsh set up a hidden deer camera to see what was really going on. Because, you know, that's not something you could already deduce from just looking at whose signs were cut and whose weren't.

Fox 29
"Hmmmm."

But you'd think at least that Joseph Appelt -- who was clearly behind the vandalism -- would have hired some dumb teenagers to do the job for him. Nope -- Walsh caught Appelt on tape that night slicing up the posters himself, along with a small child sitting in his car as his accomplice.

Fox 29
If a lightning flash is highlighting your misdeeds, you may want to reconsider your life choices.

Appelt apologized for the vandalism afterward and has cried himself to sleep every night since.

#1. Candidate: "I Grew Up Castrating Hogs, So I'm Good at Cutting Budgets"

Joni Ernst, one of the many candidates currently running for senator in Iowa, found a pristine way to get her name mentioned despite the thick crowd. How? Watch for yourself:

Just in case you can't watch the video, Joni Ernst's first words are literally "I'm Joni Ernst, and I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm." She then goes on to explain that somehow this skill is going to help her cut the budget in Washington, because pig testicles and the economy of one of the richest nations in the world are totally the same thing.


The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

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